1 Aug 2009
You’re my wife now!
Ownership never works – even if Papa Lazarou thinks so. " In order to stay in an addictive relationship people have to become progressively numb and dishonest. They have to be dishonest about who they are, who the other person is, what they like, what they do not like, what is going on, what is not going on and so forth.
They frantically try to become what they THINK the other wants. Partners in addictive relationships become progressively controlling, especially of themselves and what they feel.
For example they come to hate each other because of their mutual dependency and yet continue to NEED each other. One always comes to hate the person on whom one is dependent, and the person depended upon eventually begins to feel sucked dry. However since the mutual dependency is so necessary to the relationship and is so entrenched in it, these feelings must be controlled at all costs if the relationship is to be preserved. Control of the self and of the other becomes a major focus. The dualism that one functions on in an addictive relationship is control and enmeshment at one end and abandonment at the other. One is either enmeshed and controlling or leaving. There are no other choices.Most children who have been raised with parents who were in an addictive relationship come to believe this dualism. In fact, this is frequently what has happened to them. When they fight off the enmeshment and control, they are abandoned. In this type of relationship, commitment means incarceration just as one would be committed to jail or a mental hospital. There is no concept of staying in a relationship because one WANTS to. One person stays only because one is bound and cannot survive without the other person. One never sees oneself as separate but always as an extension of the other. "
These are the words of Anne Wilson Schaef, my favourite writer on Codependency and the last sentence is what many call LOVE & ROMANCE. In this kind of relationship we have a Controller and Victim, the battered wife syndrome illustrates this to perfection, except on inspection both are victims and both remain controlling the outcome not to end. They are stuck together like a dovetail joint deemed never to part. But look closely at the dovetail joint, from one end the joint is secure but pull one half of the joint out sideways and release is immediate. But to those in this kind of destructive coupling the easy solution is not an option, because for many " fighting for love" as a struggle need is more relevant than the risk of leaving and starting all over again.
Loneliness is oft quoted as a reason to stay in an addictive relationship as much as " but I love him/her ", yet the real solution comes from releasing suppressed emotion in the exploration of aloneness, a completely different concept. It is ironicly in our aloneness that we find ourselves, our true wholesome self and not in a relationship. Once aloneness is mastered we no longer need to play the codependent game but find ourselves attracted to people who have also found their whole sense of self. Two whole people who love themselves are well practiced at loving, not hating the other. This kind of interdependent relationship is to welcomed and admired.
You’re my wife now Dave! - No you’re NOT!
click the link for more wively circus fun from Papa Lazarou
I grew up in a codependendent household. I used to have nightmares involving my being pulled in different directions by huge godlike creatures, about endlessly running from one to another with increasingly heavy loads to carry, but it was never enough. (duh. Yes I did figure it out, in my 20′s)
Over the years I realized I have tried to recreate & ‘save’ Mom, Dad or some variation of both in the romantic partners & friendships I chose. Having realized that, and thru reading writing like yours, I’m now looking at life differently and seeing people for who they really are: not what I want them to be. Makes it so much easier to get out of & more importantly, not get into.
Once again, a valuable & timely bit of writing Madge!
Lafang
August 3rd, 2009 at 12:38 pmpermalink
For me it had begun to dawn on me that something was not quiet right, getting sober and finding my feet again has been great but I’m still wobbling along too.
I am finally working out what that long relationship was really all about. it hurt me most on the ocassional times when their was lots of deep anger revealed on both sides.
Being away for a week gave me space to just walk loads, think about stuff, write bits down. then chat it through with someone.
I first noticed while travelling daily on the underground.
I tried to predict where the oncoming people wanted to go half the time. then walk the other way.it became a bit obsessional lol.
I remember it from years ago too. being so lonley even in the middle of a crowd. Aloneness is the day I got it. Unto yourself be true.
Never quiet realised I was desperate to please the other.
Reading on here is really thought provoking. dualism is a wierd place. always on the lookout almost. waiting to jump in.
Boom & Bust cycle living.
The Tailor
August 8th, 2009 at 6:29 pmpermalink
Thanks Lafang – Will you be MY WIFE now? LOL.
Saving and rescue-ing was a huge part of my ” old way ” of relationships, now gratefully released. Assisting others to rescue themselves is my new lifeboat.
theswarmite
August 8th, 2009 at 7:51 pmpermalink
Welcome ” The Tailor ” and thanx for sharing your experiences.
I found that once I adjusted to the power of aloneness I was able to put my thoughts about the world in perspective and rid myself of assumed attack or constant defence. On of the present joys is being happy with my own company without isolating.
theswarmite
August 8th, 2009 at 7:56 pmpermalink
Isn’t part of the problem of co-dependency not knowing what we really want or who we really are? Like so many things in life for many finding a life partner, life path or career (as well as meaning in life) seem to be a passiv process rather than an active. Possibly for the simple reason that so many of us don’t know what we really want. We go for what is there and available rather than actively seeking out what we ‘really want’ simply because we don’t know what to look for.
So perhaps changing our lives for the better requires equal parts of discovering our ambitions and our limitations. It is so easy to focus on what is bad, but if we don’t know where we want to go next any road will take us there.
Swedish chef
August 18th, 2009 at 11:18 ampermalink