7 Mar 2009
Who said that? Not me!
Who do you think said ” the disease of niceness cripples more lives than alcoholism and cancer ” ? . . . not me The Swarmite, some New Age Guru or contemporary harpie as you may think, but writer Sebastian Horsley ( above ). Since both his parents were primetime alcoholics this statement has extra bite. His raffish autobiography ” Dandy In The Underworld “, described by Brian Ferry as ” a masterpiece of filth ” goes on to say ” the rebel is the man who says NO and nice people are simply afraid to say it “.
Wrestling with credit crunch the buzzword of ” protectionism ” is flying around like a sorcerous soundbite right now. Growing up in a family dominated by alcohol often creates two strands of approach by children, ” silence ” passed as protectionism of family shames and ” rebellion ” as in spill the beans Sebastian Horsley. Protecting the parents by keeping secrets within the house is the most common ruse since we are trained not to mention the elephant in the room. Now we hear the likes of Brown declaring the foolishness of ” protectionism ” protecting trade in recession. Very astute. The world is after all just another family and a family must stick together in crisis, but a family that holds fear and secrets as its axle won’t go very far before breakdown. Our learning curve in recession is that everything is temporary and that survival is based on honesty, clear vision and brutal choices. There is no room for nice polite behavior. Appropriate behavior – however tough – is required to survive. Hard though it is to lose a job, the opportunity is there to find your mettle, your nerve and strength of character. Strike out fearlessly and gain.
Approval addiction – the source of niceness – is more insidous than all the other drugs put together because it forces you to depend on voices outside of yourself assisted by chronic people pleasing and unlike alcohol abuse it affects the largest majority of population. Hollywood’s iconic Mae West was once asked by a reporter why she had mirrors above her bed. She replied in slow familiar southern drawl ” Huh! . . so I can see how well I’m doin’ !! “. Mae knew that she was doin’ just fine because she checked herself within, not outside of herself or bothered with anyones else’s opinion. She knew she was a different kind of woman, multi-skilled and bathed in her own joy. This is the true eccentric and rebelious eccentrics according to David Weeks & Jamie James scientific study of these inspiring souls are the happiest people alive because they couldn’t give a stuffed monkey for other peoples perceptions of them.
The disease of niceness, a mannered form of emotional politeness is a major component of codependency, a relationship dysfunction based on fear. It breeds unexpressed stored up resentment and resentment kills the container it’s kept in. Best if you get it out now, spit it out, shout it out, puke it up if you have to, but don’t hold back for England or St George. As Mr Horsley stresses : you need to be a rebel to say NO, especially to clients, but NO is also a strict boundary used by functional parents, so get with the programme. Being nice around money, sex and sensibilities only creates mediocrity and who needs that in a time of credit crunch. NO is the big word to use in 2009 so say NO to niceness. Get drag queen fierce , stride like a shoplifting junkie, burst forth like a busker and say what you mean. Half measures will avail you nothing.
Today’s medititive task over a sandwich from Pret is to consider how rebelious you can be in order to find yourself. This is the time to play PUNK, be filthy, paint walls pink, sail on a boat to Sardinia, have a Nicky Haslam makeover and play unsafe on ideas. Be brave, be relentless, be dandified and resist thinking what the neighbours would say. And do it.
I was taught many years ago that N.I.C.E. equals
Nothing
Inside me
Cares
Enough….about you, to tell you my truth.
I guess it is sort of in the same vein…..
I could ramble for hours about the effects of being nice in a situation where it is unproductive, deceitful and plain insane….I know, I lived with an alcoholic for 21 years, so I HAD nice down to an art form….it proved nothing. What it did do ,was lie to my family, friends and kids and eventually when I started to reveall the truth they were all so shocked at the revelation of that truth that I realized that I had done everyone including myself a grave disservice…In actual fact I hadn’t been nice at all! Just too scared to face the music.
Moto…. Music doesn’t hurt, it’s the silence that is painful! BRON PS thanks for the blog
Bronwyn Barter
March 7th, 2009 at 12:20 pmpermalink
Hey Bron this is a welcome response to my words. How wonderful that we CAN move out of the nice box when appropriate and wonderful that not only you have, but are an encouragement to others in avoiding denial. You and me, long live mavericks!
theswarmite
March 7th, 2009 at 12:29 pmpermalink
shit Madge, i am so awed by this. i sorely need to do lots of work because i find it very hard toi be honest wiv some of my friends cos i’m scared of their over reaction and i hate being shouted at. I am very non confrontational.
I don’t wanna go to Coda, and i don’t want to lose my kindness or sensitivity and i don’t want to be hurtful.
do you do workshops? i’d come like a shot…..
big love, Cherry xxxxx
cherry
March 8th, 2009 at 1:47 pmpermalink
Loving this! Yes its very freeing bein honest why should I deny how i feel its who I am. I love my friends who are honest. My people -pleasing was sly manipulation based on fear. Its like a deal – if I do or say this will you like me or do this thing for me? If I act like a victim will you help me out?
Yes – and then we’ll all enable the disease!
All that shit came up in Step 4 – Im stronger for relieving myself, “Our defects die in the light of exposure”Jackie xx
Jackie McCanlis
March 8th, 2009 at 2:18 pmpermalink
Another great blog! Having spent a lot of years being “NICE” to people who didn’t deserve it (thanks to the usual alcoholic parent background) I finally (thank cheeses) gave that up for the BS it is. It’s not nice. It’s enabling and avoidance.
I don’t care so much any more who likes me. I like me and that’s a hell of a lot healthier, plus I’m having fun!
Thanks for pointing me in the direction of your blog!
LaFang
March 9th, 2009 at 2:14 ampermalink
Hey Cherry thanx for the BIG UP Support. I must write more. I can see why CODA doesn’t suit, we need solutions not identification ( we know who we are ). Workshops? my next one is in Tallinn Estonia June 12,13,14 – hehe – it might be better if I do one in Brizzol. LOL.
theswarmite
March 10th, 2009 at 11:25 pmpermalink
Hey Jackie thanx for checking my Blog out, it’s early days yet. You and me huh? – No more Lifeboat Rescue.
That’s the way to go Girl! xx
theswarmite
March 10th, 2009 at 11:27 pmpermalink
Welcome ACA Miss Fang – get your teeth into recovery huh. No NICE words for you, your just too FABULOUS. xx
theswarmite
March 10th, 2009 at 11:32 pmpermalink
Trying to control ones mind which is both subtle and profound, and being honest but not offending or hurting can be a hard call. We have both a weak self and a strong self, if we allow are weak side to dominate we will be defeated. So what to do…? Forget the niceties? or play the game of subtle niceties…
Sharon
June 17th, 2010 at 9:10 pmpermalink
. . .well I think the subtle niceties are preferred Sharon, but we still remain powerless over perception and response, regardless of how we tell it. This is our learning curve.
theswarmite
June 17th, 2010 at 9:31 pmpermalink