16 Nov 2009
Cook Book Porn
Publishing used to be a respectable profession, now it’s all about Celebrity Lives, Half Price Bio’s in Tesco’s and Cook Book Porn. Dame Barbara Cartland must be turning in her grave, tapping out her trusty Olivetti. Recipes used to be handed down from Mum or Grandma now it’s about which Celebrity Chefs should adorn the coffee table to impress the guests. The food is the last thing to savour – it’s all about the promotion innit. When Fanny & Johnny Craddock whisked up a spread in a kitchen no bigger than a caravanette they had no idea that in the 21st Century M&S Ready Meals were the real TV star. Your M&S.
It’s all about promotion innit. So who is it this year? Will the Hairy Bikers look good next to the pot-pourri, or does Jamie Olivers America bite the cookie alongside Nigella? Cookery Books make an easy gift because we know no one uses them. They are there simply to entice us, to make our fingers bleed as we flick the rich thick glossy pages of lust, greed and seduction but a few episodes of COME DINE WITH ME will convince you that drooling over the photo-shopped hard bound copy is where it ends. What a palarva. All that preparation, scouring Vietnamese supermarkets for chickens necks in brine, buying a proper saucepan to make a JU, no it’s all gone nuts now, fussy eaters with nut alergies, people who refuse meat but gobble up soya sausages and those GOURMET cooks who spend hours crushing chillies at the right temperature – just to get it RIGHT. In my day Mum put food on the table and you ate it. You didn’t leave the table till you had either.
So what if you’ve passed the phase of action on the cooker, the lust is still there, the relationship isn’t. Easy. Try SELF HELP BOOK PORN. Wander into Waterstones munching on a Vitamin Bar and it’s like being apprehended by a tart outside a strip joint in Soho. There it is. DON"T LOOK. But you must. NEW TITLES.
Not content with a library at home full of inspirational tomes, eco-worship and Roads Never Traveled, the latest promotion MUST be the one you’re missing, the one you’ve craved for, the one to make you whole again. Then you are hooked. OMG the new Eckhart Tolle – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. Give it to me baby – don’t stopppppp. Hang on – is that the new Louise Hay ( no it’s the old one revamped, re-promoted, re-designed. God that was close, I nearly bought that). Anything with #1 New York Times Bestselling List with the word SECRET, Prosperity or 2012 on it must be worth it’s salt, but like salt, too much will give you a heart attack. Best if you just do the exercises for a healthier lifestyle. And there lies the rub.
Left to our own devices we never get round to the exercises, this is why we need to find another book, to feed the hunger. Rather like therapy or a recovey group, turning up is not enough, you have to work the room. Books are only there as a starting point, an inspiration to move forward – be it pots and pans, or writing 3 morning pages each day. The journey, the footwork, is an essential ingredient and like flicking through RAMSEY it’s easy to leave out the most vocal item in the recipe because it involves a car ride or a walk to the shops. In order to skip steps you need to learn steps. Like Picasso, in order to break rules you need to be a trained draughtsman not just march in with a few new ideas, the foundation needs to be there. Somehow this palarva, this condition of learning is too much for the errant child, the instant gratifier but it is exactly this reading of the recipe and it’s accurate application that creates a decent cake. Not one that’s lop-sided or sunk in the middle when it runs out of air.
How about switching OFF the TV tonight and re-read a favourite book that wetted your lips many moons ago. But this time read the case studies and do the suggested exercises. You know it makes sense.
