29 Oct 2009
Don’t treat me like a child!
If Melody Beattie is the Queen of Codependency then Pia Melody is her twin sister. Both women pioneered Codependency as a behavioural dysfunction twenty five years ago and should be honoured as such. The most favoured writings of Pia Melody can be found in FACING LOVE ADDICTION – Giving Yourself The Power To Change The Way You Love.
Here is a snippet up for discussion :
" Codependent’s experience quite a few intense emotions about current events that are not mature adult feelings but stem from other sources. For example, a codependent may easily pick up and carry feelings for others taking on board misguided responsibility. Codependents are also prone to harbour feelings picked up during childhood from parents and to project them onto others in adult life. In addition, codependents can quickly sink into a child ego state when current events trigger a child feeling reality that was not sufficiently dealt with during childhood. When we sink into the child ego state, we feel small, vulnerable, and often defensive. Even in recovery, however, these old feelings will continue to come up to a certain degree. The difference is that when they do come up, you can unload them with a sponsor, counsellor or aftercare support or with friends who are mature enough to listen to them. This will prevent you from using these strong feelings from childhood to create intensity within your recovering relationship. "
You may want to spend a few minutes thinking how many times you acted like a child, got treated like a child by a know-all partner and felt like a dog when they said " FETCH " and patted you on the head in a patronising way. Or the other way round. A Course In Miracles (ACIM) reminds us that giving and receiving are the same, and so it is when it comes to acting out control, a victim needs a controller as much as control freaks seeks out other kids to bully. Many still believe that a good relationship consists of finding a duplicate babysitter or parent which is why protection, safety and security are high on the emotional agenda disguised as " Love" or" being in Love ". Unless we delve into the past, the present will remain the same. If we have a propensity to harbour resentment, insist on never getting hurt again or push people away we will always remain a child, wounded from the inside, invisable to the outside world.
Recovery from codependent patterning means responding rather than re-acting. Re : acting like a child who can’t get their own way. This seldom works long term in a relationship because the mind and mouth clam up as an act of survival, in much the same way that a mother reacts to a crying child night and day. She switches off until she can’t stand anymore. Constant nagging of a partner just takes them back to childhood, to those previous times of emotional silence when they felt helpless, victimised and controlled. When one partner is in recovery from Love Addiction and the other is not, a re-write in a script gets acted out when patterns change and reality is faced. Partners often refrain from adhering to the new regime because it means growing up and taking responsibility for themselves, which defeats the object of the exercise in starting the relationship in the first place. This is why it takes courage to change.
Just because you may be excited about a new way of thinking, working and expressing yourself, others may not, but the reality is that when WE make a stand of change others are challenged to follow. Without this level of challenge we dig deeper into our own emotional graves – and stay there.
Here’s a song from Helen Shapiro.
