11 Sep 2009
Bond – James Bond
I have just woofed down a plate of Fish and Chips – fresh skate and piping hot chips soaked in Sarsons from Chris’s Fish Bar across the road ( mmmm ), people come for miles on a Friday to savour the flavours – lucky I live so close. Those skinny blue shorts will have to wait. Then I turned on the telly as companion : Kids at Fat Camp, Celebrity Chef, Hairy Bikers cooking, more Property Porn and thats just a taster.
So what’s this TRANSFORMATION GAME then?
We buy cookbooks but can’t cook-won’t cook, we gloat at people deciding between town and country ( or both ) with only half a million quid to spend poor souls on a 5 bedroom bolt hole and gasp at how other people live on Wife Swap. I agree it’s addictive. The Secret Millionare has its fanbase too, Connie in the kitchen ( age 86 ) cooking cakes till the cows come home for the community but can’t afford a decent pair of specs from Specsavers. Then the 10 grand cheque arrives and it’s all too much.
Thank God it wasn’t on tonight, me chips are soggy enough.
Watching people transforming lives makes better drama than transforming our own, which is why the "idea" of transformation is so infectious, voyeurism is easier than taking part, and taking part takes effort. Before transformation takes place we need to observe our own ideas about CHANGE. You will be surprised how many people fear it. Best if we stay put and feel safe and familiar, but if your partner is abusive or a boozer, something unfamiliar like change is scarier. At least with abuse you have survived it, but change? – not sure I can handle that, you may say. Often change is forced upon us so we immediately become defensive of it, as if we have no control, so feelings of helplessness occur. In order to administer change in your life, changing the way you think or perceive situations to be is a good start.
When I think of all the major changes in my life I have had to endure I see that my life is constantly moving, swaying and deciding. I changed from straight to bi to gay in the late sixties, I changed from being an alcoholic/addict to sobriety in the early 80′s, changed my career in the late 80′s, seroconverted the Hep B virus in the 90′s, and changed the way I work in the noughties. I now welcome change and constantly transform myself with ease.
So the telly genre of changing rooms, house doctor and how clean is your house is just a taster of what change can bring you, but when you do the detail, (as recovering codependents do), you will notice one thing : they are not doing it themselves in most cases. It’s done for them. Now you can take two angles on this : it’s a good exercise to RECEIVE without contesting the gift, great for coda people who only help others ( like Connie ) but it does not encourage people to take responsibility for creating the homes, meals, waistlines they want.
What would be more interesting and productive would be to have TV lifestyle programmes showing us how to lead healthier lives INSIDE US rather than the attachments we accrue outside us for contentment. It’s true that we need expert guidance and support to tackle new pastures and for the continued maintenance of change but we have to do it more ourselves and not just coz a TV crew turned up. In last months Psychologies Magazine the comedian David Baddiel talked about being in therapy over 10 years and how it has attributed to his success and why in the UK we readily sneer at soul searching as if poo has been left on the sheets ( my paraphrase ), but it’s true people do think you have mental health issues if you have a shrink, a coach or counselor.
That’s why I call myself a LIFESTYLIST coz it feels less threatening. I style peoples lives in the same way a fashion stylist creates a new look with a mood board of ideas for each person based on their habits, obsessions and sense of lack. When I see them for 3 hours every 2 weeks it gives them the chance to talk about every aspect of their lifestyle, not just about the past and its causes. The results speak for themselves but I don’t do it for them – THEY do the work.
Yes I tutor, I nudge, I kick arse if necessary but they learn to observe, desire and welcome change. Without this ingredient all forms of transformation are shortlived. You can’t crash diet your life but you can chuck out what no longer works and often this ALL you need to know.
Then you learn to TRUST – that’s the REAL transformation and where the hard work begins.
