12 Oct 2012

Cancer Comedown

Posted by theswarmite

Yesterday I fell asleep 3 times during the day. I thought it was just nana naps or maybe the start of narcolepsy where you nod off in the middle of a conversation or at the wheel. My old friend John, sadly now six feet under, did it years ago. We thought it was the copious amounts of alcohol he drunk, ( who wouldn’t ) but sober driving proved otherwise, on a few scary motorway situations I recall. Even when pissed, we learn’t to decline lifts.

When boozers and chem users reduce or cut out, the body reflects the journey of damage with a hangover or an emotional comedown, the barometer of usage. Well it’s almost 30 years since I travelled that sodden path so my current physical and mental conundrum can’t use this excuse. But recently my body has been bombarded with debilitating chemotherapy, twice a day. Diagnosed on a Monday in early August with first stage skin cancer ( Actinic Keratosis ), I was on chemo the next day with the specialists voice ringing in my ears ” this is going to be hard, deeply unpleasant and you will want to stop it “. Never a truer phrase flung at me, but she did add that it had a 93% success rate. Years ago in early recovery from addiction I heard someone say ” Are you living in the problem or the answer? ” So I went for it. 

The ordeal, well documented on facebook, took it’s toll, and yes, twice I wanted to stop it, once turning up at A&E at 4am, as I had to skin wash, every hour on the hour, even during night time but it proved to be 100% successful. It will take till the end of November for redness to erase, and my eyelids still remain sore, but it’s a result. I now realise that this is the reason, 2 months later, that my body is catching up on sleep, battered with poisonous but effective chemo, in the same way a functioning addict or alcoholic batters the body with drug of choice, without thoughts of physical impact. As I felt so much better after chemo, it never occurred to me that the body needs what it needs, including restful sleep. The past few months has created a backlog of messages, emails and phone calls to respond to about my health, so thank you all so much for the good wishes, I appreciate them all. I hope this blog will update you and ease concerns.

Yes I  now see that I am catching up on sleep. Funny what happens when you put things to paper, so to speak. This is why written work in seminars, workshops and sponsorship Step work WORKS. 

Reading through my last blog ( Longevity takes time – March 29 2012 ) about rebranding, waiting but not wanting, I see a pattern emerge from the written word. The pattern is not about procrastination it’s the pattern of observation. Observation that I am very tired, clunking along on airlines most months giving seminars abroad and it’s time to stop for 6 months. I’ve said many times in my blogs that target led thinking rarely works. Check out how important events in your life have been planned, or *occured* while doing something else. A new job, relationship or opportunity often, turns up. Goals have a place, so does the power of intention, but often the power of doing nothing and spiritually waiting outstrips the ego destination. Marianne Williamson calls it Inspiration v Ambition, so this is my current regime, seeking inspiration in doing very little for 6 months. I have reluctantly postponed the Australian Adelaide seminar in March till god knows when, no European seminars till at least May 2013, including starting work in Sweden. Sorry folks, I need to recover my health and the impact of chemo, so travel will only involve relaxing trips here and there, no leading, no mentoring, no presenting. Time to take a step back on cancer comedown.

Presently Gunnel Minett is supporting me on what I call EVOLUTIONARY BREATHWORK : Recovery Coaching & Rebirthing for the Internet Age, the next stage of my development. Not sure yet what it involves, except lots of writing, research and spiritual reclamation. Sometimes we need to stand back and look back, instead of racing toward the future, in order to acknowledge self worth and progress. Have you done this recently? Reviewing, reclaiming and recognising?
Coming up in a few weeks I will be 30 years clean of all drugs, including alcohol, & for me, nicotine. Yup it’s a chunk of clean time. People have already been asking ” Are you doing anything to celebrate it ? It’s a milestone “. The answer is I want no fuss, no vast gathering, no trumpets. I shall share the accolade on Facebook and thank the masters of The Universe, Babaji and the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous for continued experience, strength and hope, but no more. I am booked to do a chair at a meeting on the evening of October 26th 2012. That will do me fine. Just another day of gratitude to be absent from active addiction.