7 Sep 2009
I NEVER had sex with that woman!
Reading Agony Aunt columns in newspapers can offer witness to the state of a nation, but sometimes one reads copy that wouldn’t look out of place within Louis Farrakhan’s Nation of Islam when it comes to dishing it out. Take the subject of INFIDELITY.
Suzi Godson of The TIMES writes a Sex Counsel page every Saturday and it’s always good for a laugh. Here is a letter she knows will boost readership and pursed lips over the marmalade.
Q - I have discovered that my husband of 25 years has had an online friendship with another woman. He works away from home and what began as chat soon developed into sending explicit texts and making phone calls ( not sexual he says ). He has never met her. While he is distraught and swears that it will never happen again, I am overwhelmed by the sense of betrayal. How can I rebuild my trust in him?
A – Suzi says "Whenever a person hides an intimate relationship from his partner he or she is being unfaithful".
OMG. Apart from the usual bollox ( go to Relate ) Suzi then goes on to say that " do not underestimate the impact of your partners deceit". The poor sod, he goes online after 25 years of hostage taking and the guilt is so bad he confesses and now the marriage is over.
Gay friends of mine in partnership would LOL at this ludicrous moral stance. Imagine being in a job for 25 years and still holding onto the outdated model you had as an apprentice. I am not suggesting that monogamous fidelity is a bad thing, but this kidnapping of another persons mind and body is medieval. Many dysfunctional relationships are ruled by rage : rage if another person looks at you, rage if you look at them, with jealousy as the thermometer. Better wear a burka then.
Gay men are leaders in relationship exploration by deciding on open or closed relationships with a partner. Many begin in monogamy then cruise toward outside interests while maintaining the union without turning a blind eye or feeling any form of betrayal. Betrayal does occur but only when discussed bounderies are crossed. Maybe the hetero marriage lines should now include " for better, for worse , no online cruising till death us do part ". Gay open relationships are not the total answer to inter-dependency, because deception can still hold court but better in truth than heterosexual relationships that, according to Suzi, expect fidelity 24/7 including online. Once you grasp the fact that men have different emotional needs to women it’s easy. The task now is to find a partner that you can be totally honest with instead of using secretive people pleasing glue to hold a relationship together, sticking it out.
Clinton said he NEVER had sex with Monica, meaning a blow-job is not sex. A man stuck in a 25 year union may think that going online for a flirt is not sex either. It depends on the rules in your mind and body or what you signed up to, and if you signed up to a religious concept of relationship then I will pray for you. It’s old hat. If men & women are equal then we need to create equality in relationships. If a man wants outside interests then he must give his partner the chance to explore as well. Not many straight men would go for that.
Gay Men are better at this, understanding that sex is not always kept for bed or the same person. Hetero swingers and fetish club users, scorned by the likes of Suzi Godson and the Daily Mail readership are more likely to have a solid emotional trusting relationship than those who never discuss " that side of things " prefering to live in cloud cuckoo land of trusted fidelity. 21st Century relationships have more choices, more cross-over and I’m tired of reading " Relationship Books " who keep peddling the same old tripe, one size fits all – a life time partner.
The woman who wrote the letter to Suzi blames the partner without checking out herself first. It’s interesting that the highest divorce rate in the UK is for the over 50′s, getting out before retirement. Her demands and expectations are based on a codependent fairy tale world. If she had the guts to confront her partner, her feelings and her defects of character along the way she may have felt less betrayed. ( . . . HE made her feel betrayed ? ). Long term relationships demand constant attention and it’s hard work, my hat goes off to anyone doing this. People often don’t examine because of what may emerge – that’s why people leave " therapy " or " counseling " till it’s too late. What may emerge is that it’s over. FEAR is the great controller of life not another persons behavior. Even A Course In Miracles ( ACIM ) reminds us that we have no control over another persons body or what they do with it. This thinking is the route to interdependence.
As a sign off and food for thought, here is a para from a tome called Recovering Love – Codependency to CoRecovery by Dr. J. Richard Cookerly, published in 1992, called Blaming and Guilt Tripping Instead of Responsibility Taking and Sharing.
Commonly, in codependency each partner blames the other for the bad feelings they have, for the situations they are in that they do not like, for not treating them the way they want to be treated, even for their life. Sometimes the blaming is secret; sometimes it happens in shouting matches. There are thoughts or statements like, " You made me feel . . . , " " If it were not for you . . . You made me " – the words " YOU", followed by negative blame dominates their speech. A corollary to this is not taking responsibility for one’s feelings and actions. Confronted by a problem, healthy couples tend to say " I", "we", and "us" a lot more than "You". " You is reserved for words of affirmation, love, appreciation, enjoyment, and so on. Often mixed with, preceding or following the blaming of each other comes self-blame and feeling guility, ashamed and generally down on oneself. There is no realization that they are probably only half of what went wrong. It is a joint pattern, much like a dance both partners engage in together.
I am sure there is enough on here to make you think over a steaming brew whether your mind is open or closed in relationships.
Amazing how there can be so many variations of what comprises cheating. Such an individual thing when it comes down to it. I’ve had male friends tell me “what happens on the road stays on the road” and they don’t consider it cheating – only if they get caught. ??? Fine enough if you can handle the ‘guilt’ – if any, but obviously their s/o’s weren’t consulted about that credo. Problem Potential = Large.
I guess the thing to remember is keeping communication open about such things. Making it clear what your boundaries are. And hopefully those won’t be a result of co-dependency.
Thanks for another thought provoking blog!
Lafang
September 7th, 2009 at 10:48 pmpermalink