14 May 2009
Please release me
One of my pre-teenage memories of shame involved a launderette.
I must have been 12 or so and Mums copper ( an archaic washing machine ) at home broke down so we trooped off to the local machine wash. My first embarasment involved both of us not knowing how to operate the machine – convinced that the whole launderette was watching us fumble. The shame of it all. The pain of public failure.
Then THE most shaming thing happened. My mum opened the machine front loader and we both STARED at a very clean and hot used condom sitting all on it’s own in the metal drum.
Silence kills.
Do we remove it? or move to another machine
having put the money in?
We called the service lady and shame clouded over in a flash as she fished it out with rubber gloves for all to see. Heads ducked down, papers read, windows were scoured and lips pursed.
Don’t look up.
On another occasion when I was 16 we had moved to a new house and friends of my parents stayed for the weekend so mum & dad gave them their bedroom and so they slept on the PUT-U-UP in the lounge. In the morning I helped them fold the bed up and we STARED again at a torn Durex wrapper on the carpet. Can you imagine ?
They were still " doing it ". The shame of it all.
In their book : Letting Go of Shame/Understanding How Shame Affects Your life – Ronald & Patricia Potter-Efron explain about shame being a universal emotion. " Shame temporarily disconnects people from each other. For example, women in America and many other societies will often modestly look away when they notice someone showing sexual interest in them, even if they are interested in the other person. The message they may be giving ( only under certain circumstances, of course ) is that their sexuality is too powerful to openly express in public. Similarly, people will ordinarily avoid eye contact when a situation threatens to become too potent "
This made me think how we interchange with each other on the tube, the place where no-one speaks except crack heads, beggars or anyone from Spain.
The British culture prefers to " look away " to avoid upset, confrontation or shame.
Now good old British shame is no different from American shame or Swedish shame ( however – the Italians ARE shameless – look at the revolving governments ) and if fear is universal then shame follows close behind. John Bradshaw talks about the core of codependency being " toxic shame " developed and nurtured from family of origin. Until we release our innermost shames we can never be free. We create our own prison cell. Anyone in 12 Step Recovery will understand 4th Step value or simply the release of sharing. This is all therapy is – letting go with love. It is also about booting out judgement and guilt – the mafia of the mind.
Next time you get on the Underground ( tube train ) use it as a meditation space.
Watch and see who avoids your eye contact, be observant and recognise that you are part of these peoples lives, you hold a place, there is no separation of humanity. By observing others you observe yourself and by practicing the art of full eye contact when listening or speaking, you find more clarity within yourself. This is the antidote to shame. And next time you like someone who stares back at you in a sexy way – for christ sake SMILE not hide away. It costs nothing.
I am not suggesting you travel the tube or walk the streets with the smile of someone in community care or just found Jesus ( . . I’ll get my coat ) but I am suggesting that you focus on each opportunity to drop shame and fear. Shame takes a long time to dissolve so erase the hasty cure with small bites, note each day where and when shame arises and use that powerful mantra FEEL IT, CLAIM IT, DUMP IT. Recovery is not about how much shame you have but how long you hold on to it once noted, so find a spiritual launderette to wash, spin & open up your heart to light.
*making note to smile more often*
Conditioning… something that happens during our growing up & something we continue to impose on ourselves without half realizing. Another tool we use to dig ourselves a rut to stay in.
Lafang
May 14th, 2009 at 12:36 pmpermalink
Did you know that most of the time shame comes from not being noticed enough in early childhood, or not noticed as who you think you are (rather than who your parents or people in your environment think/thought you are). Our immediate reaction as children is that when we are not noticed it is because it must be something wrong with us. As soon as we have this reaction we start to search for reasons – in an attempt to work out what is wrong with us. A process that often leads to co-dependency and a lot of other ‘not-good-enough-problems’ as adults.
In your case though, I am both surprised and confused – I thought being gay came with the gene-pool and not from witnessing condomes being washed. Anyway, keep up the good work.
Swedish chef
May 19th, 2009 at 11:31 ampermalink
LOL Swedish chef ( about the gay gene pool ) . . .on a more serious note your explanation around shame in childhood is spot on and something I had not considered in quite this way, but now seems obvious. Thanx for your input.
theswarmite
May 19th, 2009 at 12:26 pmpermalink
Excellent writing from theswarmite yet again! Thanks so much
Pieter Gildenhuys
May 25th, 2010 at 10:50 pmpermalink