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20 Feb 2010

Poor Cheryl, brave Tiger . . hidden dragons.

Posted by theswarmite. 4 Comments

NO, we’re not talking about the X Factor Geordie, getting lippy 3 seconds after the tape at the Brits, or the fact that she needs to be surrounded by several thousand dancers to avoid her less than honed floor shapes being noticed – it’s worse than that.
 
It’s the fact that Cheryl has become the new JADE, and our hearts go out to her.
 
Soon we will be sniffin’ cheap Cheryl cologne from Superdrug in honour of her pain and instead of feeling the pain of others in a coda way, women everywhere will smell it and identify with the betrayal, coming together as one, bruised and battered by modern illicit mobile texting.
In fact, that would be a great name for a cologne, why hasn’t Calvin Klein worked that one through? Yes, she’s wearing BETRAYAL.
 
Anyone who thinks a man will be faithful is bonkers in the first place, let alone a football hubby bringing in from footy alone – £86,000 a WEEK and a fiercely flirty reputation to boot. But our Cheryl, bless ‘er, our sensitive Newcastle lass, appears to have a very working class coda approach to marriage and it’s romantic fairytale expectations of a lifetime partnership.
 
Fight for this love, even if the obvious is staring you in the face. It’s called denial pet. Bad boys huh? Even Alexandra Burke knows they’re not good for her.
 
Talking of Tiger Woods, how about about focusing on another ploy connected to doing the right thing, deleting the scent of deception. In my experience of working with compulsive sex addicts, the majority are in a committed relationship, be they straight, gay or bi. The quest for relationship acts as " the front " that all is well, plus the belief that having a relationship will stop the compulsive acting out, but the cause remains to fester. The usual excuse of being " over-sexed with a high sex drive" is an indirect way of blaming the partner and not taking personal responsibility for feelings and emotions. If only the partner could keep up with their demands they wouldn’t need to wander. 
The transference of guilt is silent. The codependency is rife.
 
Cheryl’s vision of holding a man down for life is not uncommon nor the notion that all we need is each other in coupling, as friends and other interests dwindle away to feed this desire for oneness. A healthy relationship is not about ownership, entrapment and control and I would guess that Ashley Cole and Tiger Woods have been controlled by their parents, coaches, talents and aspirations since early childhood. Hardly surprising that those with an obsessive personality desire escape routes from satisfying the demands of others, while hopefully other sportspeople coached into stardom may develop less harmful outlets of retreat.
 
Woods appearance yesterday echoed his background as he mumbled through a chronically controlled, amends ridden, script written conference speech to the nation. You can hear the commercial advisors wincing "Don’t mention sex addiction, it’s bad enough using the B word – Buddhism. Think about the damage ".
 
Half measures avail us nothing.
 
Rarely have we heard a less authentic apology and the staged hug from Mom was as misplaced as the soulless faces surrounding her. One hopes he speaks more truthfully in treatment. At least he is returning to dealing with his addictions, however irritating it is to hear him call it a "marriage problem’ rather than a problem of love and sex addiction. I can imagine that having all those secret affairs gave him some power back that was stripped away from him growing up and living a champion mindset, people -pleasing others. His requirement to create secrets is not all his own fault.
 
On a metaphysical level we attract what we need to heal. Poor Cheryl . . . now poor poor Elin, the missing wronged wife, will haunt us for months and the debates go on as to whether she stands by her man or leaves like Heather Mills in full calculated fury, clutching and stripping herself of respect. Heather never got what all the fuss was about, still believing her own press release, so who do you feel compassion for : Cheryl, Ashley, Tiger or Elin? 
 
This is today’s meditation exercise and how similar experiences have informed your life and corrected the error of your wrong thinking. Check progress and give yourself a press conference. We all need to examine the standards of perfectionism we thrust upon ourselves and others.



  

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15 Feb 2010

Love Hangover

Posted by theswarmite. 4 Comments

Loving someone enough to let them go is the most adult of actions.
We are not taught to do this, in fact we are harboured into the opposite, fighting to hold someone’s love, taking them hostage, manipulating the outcome with promises, last resorts and yes, even a box of chocs can temper the mood of love versus loss.
Sometimes love appears to be a battle of survival.
 
" If you go away, as I know you must,  Just an empty room, full of empty space,  Like the empty look I see on your face,  Oh, I’d have been the shadow of your shadow, If it might have kept me by your side,  If you go away, if you go away, if you go away, Please don’t go away. "
 
These words, translated by Rod McKuen on the eve of the 1960′s, from a Jacques Brel lyric, vibrates the pain of a love hangover and final acceptance that a relationship is over. Learning to deal with abandonment, loss and alone-ness is vital to recover from codependency, love addiction and a permanent quest to return to the memory of the womb. Think duvet diving, think comfort eating, think silence. This is our first experience of leaving and arriving somewhere new and unfamiliar. Think of the free floating self, bathing in amniotic fluid for 9 months cushioned and supported. The adrenalin of the birth canal will never be repeated in this lifetime but it remains in your memory bank as a link between life, death and survival. Will you make it?
Do you have the strength to survive?
 
Getting trashed is a popular sport after breakup, and this is not the real problem, the real problem is how long it goes on for and whether it coasts into self pity and personal punishment. This is the real LOVE HANGOVER to avoid. Pia Melody in her book FACING LOVE ADDICTION states " A more realistic way to regard broken relationships might be to consider the relationship as a learning laboratory, whether the relationship eventually ends or it becomes a lifetime commitment. The pain associated with believing that the end of a relationship is a failure can thereby be greatly reduced. "
 
Thinking we will never survive a breakup is part of the grieving process and must be honoured as such. All that British stiff upper lip – just plough yourself into work stuff – is futile compared to the lasting legacy of emotional pain. Best if you handle it now in an educated way instead of burying feelings and cutting photos in half as completion. COMPLETION of all our relationships is vital.
 
Sondra Ray says " Eventually we must clean up all the relationships of the past that are not completely resolved. How can you know if the relationship is cleaned up? Consider the past and present relationships, friends, lovers in your life. If you have any feelings for them other than unconditional love when you think of their name, then those relationships are not cleaned up. Work with an Loving Relationship Training ( LRT ) Relationship Coach & Rebirther to unravel and redeem.
 
For those in recovery, it’s a Step 4 on all your relationships, getting clear on clearing out resentments, mis-justice and the unfairness of it all. Without this task of clearing in hand it’s easy to sit on the pity pot and remain a victim instead of realising the value and learning experience employed. There are no short cuts to feeling the love hangover, the grieving process is unpredictable but vital in order to enjoy future relationships. So enjoy your time in bed, under the covers but remember to put the alarm on. That AA phrase comes to mind : Feel it, Claim it, Dump it. Avoid hoarding.

 

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10 Feb 2010

When, oh when, will I be famous . . .

Posted by theswarmite. No Comments

 
Yes, there really is a site called http://www.iwannabefamous.com/ so I trawled through some of the comments to detect the hearts and minds of those who are unhappy with being sidelined by paps. The site mission statement stated : "Being famous is not so bad after all. Sometimes fame and brings fortune (sic), but other times it brings headaches. Once you are famous you will need an agent, a photographer, a bodyguard, an accountant, a therapist, a lawyer, and perhaps a good plastic surgeon". So there you have it, and you don’t even have to read HEAT magazine.
 
The site gives the opportunity for an un-famous ordinary person to spout why they have a need to reach CELEBRITY status. This will amuse or create rage at the society we have created. Here it is unedited.
 
" I wanna be famous because i wanna change the world. i want to be that role model to people of all ages. most celebrities these days are caught up so much in the money and divorces and lawsuits. i want to do the opposite with my fame, bring a positive approach to it. donate my richs to charities, i love signing autographs and taking pictures. i have an outgoing personality and God has aloud me to already meet so many people but im not satsfied yet i want to do something big with the crazy outgoing personality hes blessed me with. i’m unique, funny, caring, and outgoing. i dont want to be like all these celebrities who get caught up in the fame and money. i relate to all sorts of people..i’m just waiting for a break to hit big. id love to have my own tv show or talk show ".
 
Maybe I’m picky but having read this diatribe of ambition they may need to add grammar and spelling coach to the list of lawyers and therapists required to survive the day. No wonder Blair famously blared out " Education, Education, Education ".
 
Thinking that FAME will create happiness and freedom is foolhardy, but the likes of X Factor drivel only stoke the fire of illusion in the hearts of the young. One comment on the above story said "  I wanna be famous because, i want people to know who i am, and what i am good at. I love acting and modeling. I don’t have much experience, but i’m passionate about acting, so i consider myself as a great actress! I would love to have the opportunity …
 
In reality many people and those who seek fame at any cost, lack self-confidence, self-esteem and a sense of security. This quest for fame is based on a fear of being ignored, passed over and overlooked. Think Jordan/Katie Price/Andre/Reid. They want that people should give them importance and show them respect and devotion when in a lot of cases they can’t give it freely to themselves, so they demand it from us. This is a coda problem of seeking approval outside of themselves, seeing their audience as authorititive parental energy. The root cause for this might be, that in childhood, they might have been deprived of love and care that a child needs, so they " played up " in order to be loved. In my own case I was a best behaviour codependent, seeking approval through my drawings. Every time someone visited the house my drawings had to be looked at, creating a need as an adult for approval over what I produced rather than who I was. Workaholicism then became my purpose.
 
FAME is just reward for hard work and determination but this drive for fame for fame’s sake is as hollow as a chocolate egg. I don’t need fame to know who I am, or how I feel. I don’t seek the approval of others in order to feel good, worthy or sane all I need is an affirmation I created for myself in 1988 : I am my own fabulous Celebrity.
Yes it’s true, even if it’s only me that thinks so. No paps please. 
 
I created this truth after reading a fab book by Sondra Ray called : How to be Chic, Fabulous & Live For Ever. 
 
Don’t steal mine – now it’s your turn to create your own affirmative statement, otherwise I shall get the lawyers in.
 

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1 Feb 2010

Discipline

Posted by theswarmite. 2 Comments

 
Who needs Miss Whiplash when we have our own mistress of pain - the guilt ridden ego – to convince that we will never make it, unworthy of making it and therefore don’t even bother trying. If you have, or have had, the discipline of self destruction or repeated guilts then you have the knowledge and experience of practiced discipline. This can be a useful benchmark – Do not despair – recycle your past – everything is valuable. So many people think they don’t have enough discipline to carry out a task or project, especially one connected to arresting addictions, when in fact they have been practicing discipline for a good deal of time, however misplaced.
 
I was 6 years clean before I embarked upon a course of Rebirthing Breathwork and in my quest for solution to on-going health and emotional issues I stumbled across my first book on the subject by Jim Leonard and Phil Laut called :
 
REBIRTHING / The Science of Enjoying All of Your Life.
 
Published in 1983 I found myself 5 years later reading the chapter on DISCIPLINE :
 
" Any time you decide in advance to do some particular thing in some particular way at some particular time ( which you must do if you want to accomplish so much ), then you may have a desire to do something else when that time comes.
 
Discipline means staying with your plan and integrating that cross-current desire. Discipline is a virtue that is cultivated with repetition and is one of the great privileges of being a free human being. Indeed it is impossible to be free without it. Some people think that freedom means the freedom to satisfy their desires, but that is just slavery to desire. Real freedom means being able to choose where you are going with your life and then going there.
 
Discipline means knowing what your goal is and then doing what it takes to achieve it. Discipline and Rebirthing go hand-in-hand. Without a certain amount of discipline you can never integrate anything because every pattern of energy has an accompanying desire; if you just go off and satisfy that desire you are unlikely to integrate that pattern of energy. At the same time, Rebirthing makes it much easier to have discipline because it allows discipline to be enjoyable rather than merely suppressive ".
 
Rebirthing is also called conscious connected breathing because the cycle of breath is continuous and disciplined. A deep inhale right through your body up to the chest and out on the exhale in a soft, non-pushing, gentle way for around an hour. Rather like a waterwheel this disciplined circle of energy builds into a rhythm of being in touch with your emotional body and spirit that dwells within. It’s purpose is to cleanse, wake-up and heal emotions trapped in the body, sometimes since birth, often without inspection. It literally brings you back to life. After 11 years I healed my body & soul of an incurable virus using this regular breathwork as meditation practice. Check out my Breathwork page on this blog for an unusual experience of Rebirthing, but perhaps not how you would read about it in new age books.
 
The other Miss Whiplash we need to look out for is the evil twin of discipline – procrastination. For many, this tactic has become disciplined in in-action, a useful ploy in avoiding failure by halting success. Codependents often need drama in order to survive, to be plugged in, electrified or crucified. Doing nothing, then doing everything or waiting for the whiplash of circumstance to provoke the next mood. Even depression is a discipline. Learning to go back to life itself, the circular breath, in times of stress is acknowledgment of observation, and a problem noticed is a problem halved. The discipline is in the detail.
 
I write this blog as a practiced discipline not for people to read it. I’m selfish this way – I do it for me, having convinced myself through lack of education that I was not academic, or a wordsmith. I tried to write a book a few times, people have been harping on for years, but none of it gelled. I just wasn’t disciplined enough. So the idea for this blog was to learn how to eat an elephant a bite at a time. In less than a year, with all my other blogs I write over 2000 words a week now. I have no great plan or any blogs prepared in case of emergency. I just do it regularly, to the best discipline I can afford.
 
I have learnt to drop perfectionism and the lash.
 
I suggest you do the same.
 
 

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28 Jan 2010

Home Drinkers Anonymous

Posted by theswarmite. No Comments

We are coming to the end of January and some people are ready with their feet in the starting blocks . . . secretly thinking THANK GOD, THAT’S OVER. 
No, not a 6 week month with only 4 weeks pay, or thinking the snow and biting winds have all gone till next year . . but at last I can DRINK AGAIN. Self imposed punishment is not the sole right of alkies ( . . can’t they just control themselves – like ME – is the inner clarion call of the heavy drinker. I can stop any time I like .  . .  like the whole of January if I want ). No problem here.
 
One of the myths around alcoholic acting out is that you have to drink every day to pronounce at AA " I am an Alcoholic ". Controlled drinking is the fuel of the middle classes because they drink AT HOME, unlike younger public drunks in no-go-area-shopping centres after dark. No one sees the debris, the demands and the stains under the carpet. It’s all hush, hush. If I can get to work with a hangover & function – I’ve conquered it. Some people think recovering alcoholics are smug but there is no one smugger than the person able to abstain for a month, as if this is some kind of ‘ test " of strength against previous accusations that drink is the problem.
 
Giving up booze for a month is a piece of piss compared to pissing your pants in blackout 2 months later. January is a traditional month of review, detox and new activities to savour. For home drinkers it’s just a rest stop, as valuable as a 7 day spa break for an obese framed adult, eventually serving little purpose other than convincing the ego that you’re back in control. It amazes me when friends or clients GIVE UP booze for a period? Why? What’s the point when you can drink safely anyway?
 
Cutting back I can understand but cutting OUT seems to herald unseen drama in the home toilet bowl, relationship ultimatums, secret health issues that are never discussed and a believe system that thinks stopping means solving. When we grew up many of us knew that what happens in the house, stays in the house. As adults we carry this message into business where discussing domestic affairs in the office, or anything " emotional " is regarded as disdainful, inappropriate and weak. So we take this stuff back home along with a couple of good bottles or a mature malt to prove that we savour booze rather than guzzle it. If someone considers themselves overweight they go on a diet. Cutting out booze for a month is not a diet, it’s an assault course designed to deceive.
 
A more functional route is to discover why you need to detox and abstain for a short period and the underlying reasons why you drink at home. Once these areas are processed a period of " purposeful using of alcohol and drugs " is suggested so the individual can observe trigger points, emotional kidnap and impulsive, compulsive behavior, especially when no one is around to grass you up. It’s easy to tut-tut at late night police telly, female cat fights and lairy lads on the lash while bottles from Tesco’s lay at your feet. Home drinking is the new opium den, and no one need know about it.
 
Just as I finish this blog a story pops up in the UK Daily Vile website, THE middle class, right wing arse wipe that purports to support the moral high ground.
 
I suggest you have a drink before you read it.
 
 
 

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20 Jan 2010

HALT>>Road Works Ahead.

Posted by theswarmite. No Comments

In order to live in process the road is always up. The past 10 days have been choc-a-bloc with clients, the builder in and out, addicts back after a relapse, folk back from families and pre-booked social events. It has all been workable and satisfying because of constant inspection of thoughts, feelings and schedules. In order to receive continued recovery we need to become honest with ourselves, grassing ourselves up to malfunction, dysfunction, distractions and wrongdoing.
 
 
It’s difficult – but so was building the railroad, however this task is an essential component in communication with the soul in delivering serenity and solace. 
HONESTY is not as easy as it seems, living in a survivalist society in London but it remains an individual matter how we measure it. Somehow we are not surprised at MP’s sniffing at the freebie trough but appalled when a friend acts out a betrayal. This may appear shocking but most people are shocked by simple honesty. Recovery from any compulsive pattern is based on total honesty and when bringing a friend to an open Anonymous meeting we ask : " what did you think? ". 
The response is often the same " shocked by the honesty I have just heard ".
 
In order to be honest we may need to reverse patterns, it’s easy to spot someone else’s dishonesty while giving scarce thought to our own. But we learn that honesty, like charity, begins at home – with ourselves. We need to keep focus on our own levels of honesty and let others take care of themselves and if truth be told we barely create enough time in our own lives to even review the task, so exhausted we are pointing fingers elsewhere.  Telling the truth – as you see it – is wise but don’t expect others to see an issue how you do, because perception is in the eye of the beholder and denial is it’s companion. For most codependents, hurt is the fuel they feed on. Children express hurt while adults fester. When this happens the road has to be dug up.
 
Living in process rather than focussing on goal based destination is the most honourable route to walk, for it promotes the practice of waiting, the art of observance and trusting in unseen energies. We trust the unseen energies that lie beneath the roads we walk on with little thought, the gas mains, sewers and electricity cables that support our lifestyles but deem to question the natural laws of universal support. We forget that the very breath that keeps us alive needs to be maintained with yogic breathwork, meditation and prayers of spiritual connection.
 
Checking out our own roadmap – how we got here and where we are heading – makes sound sense too in order to maintain busy periods in our lives or when our plans go tit’s up and we think higher powers are against us. My experience has been a longtime addiction to disappointment. Funny that coz I thought it was drugs n booze but 10 years after that last use-up, I was still setting myself up for battle. It was only when I let go of the need to win that a chronic virus left me along with the fight. Every 6 months for 6 years I went for a Hospital liver function test to see if all my efforts had won the day to drop the incurable virus. Each time the disappointment and unfairness of it all ( after ALL the work I had put in ) raged my soul until I gave up the desire to know the answer. I imagined applause from higher realms as I waived the white flag. It’s all a process. Stuck in traffic is a process and as my sponsor once pointed out, a glorious opportunity to practice Step 11, a reconnection with a power greater than ourselves.
 
PREPARE TO STOP needs more consideration. 
 
 
 

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7 Jan 2010

Frozen in time

Posted by theswarmite. No Comments

Today’s version of snowbound LONDON is like that Monty Python Sketch, the one about who was poorest : " that was nothing, we had to live on . . . . . ." So let’s tell you that this current record breaking London winter is nothing, compared to 1963 when the Swarmite family got stuck in 6 feet of snow visiting friends in Uxbridge Middlesex, and we couldn’t get back to our home in Kingsbury, North London for a week. Memories as a schoolboy huh. . . times change : then you put 2 pieces of coal in the snowman for eyes and now the only cole we see is on the telly, maintaining it’s all about the hair and that you’re worth it. Debatable progress.
 
Like the impact of IRA bombs in the 70′s and recent terrorist bomb attacks, London marched on regardless and continues to do so. With a shrug of it’s shoulder it say’s that’s nothing . . . we survived the Great London Frost of 1683-4 when the Thames was completely frozen for 2 months, 11 inches thick of ice.
 
As people in therapy or recovery have discovered our survival instincts freeze memories and emotions. I can remember the great snow drifts of ’63 but I can’t remember where I slept up to the age of 14. We lived in 2 rooms and a kitchen, we had a coal fire in the front room ( the only heating we had ) but I think this was after we gained rooms upstairs. I was born upstairs but to pay the mortgage my father had to let that part of the house to keep the roof over our heads, so two rooms it was, but I can’t tell you which room downstairs I slept in and years of therapy has not unlocked the truth. Does it matter? Not really as long as I don’t obsess about NOT knowing, as if I should.
 
What I do remember is loving, spirited and funny. My Dad was a bit eccentric (now you know where I get it from) and when Mum asked for a wall clock for the hall, he said he would sort it. Having been to an auction he arrived home with a MASSIVE parcel, much to my mother’s horror " what on earth is that? . . she asked. It’s the clock you asked for, Dad replied. Soon the packaging revealed AN OFFICE CLOCKING IN CLOCK complete with card stamping machine, work cards and a circular paper till roll. I remember that week well, when they refused to speak to each other using me and my brother as intermediaries. The atmosphere was frozen those 7 days I can tell you.
 
Humour is a natural vehicle for survival and melting of hearts and Londoners have it in stokes. How would we survive without taking the piss? No wonder Monty Python only connected with a minority of Americans, who understood the truth behind " that was nothing. . . we lived on Pine needles for a year", a dead parrot and silly walks.
Therapy is oft misunderstood as dragging up the past to check out the painful in frozen storage, when real recovery occurs when we not only remember the dysfunction and how we survived it but also those times when we displayed courage, intuition and playfulness, be it with snowballs or new pranks. Workaholics caught up in work identity could learn from this extended wintry holiday period and return to a period of childhood when it was safe to play outside, when mum cooked a meal and you ate it, when you saw the snow outside with wonder.
 
So I wonder how you could make your day more wonderful today – don’t tell me – but tell yourself and act on it. 

 

 
 

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4 Jan 2010

Don’t text me

Posted by theswarmite. 1 Comment

I just don’t get it. Mobile Phones that is – and I’m struggling with Twitter. People who know me well know I don’t text, can’t text, won’t text. That sums up all this high tech malarkey for me. I can use my MacBook and Facebook with ease, create graphic blog sites like this one but the mobile just bores me to death. According to predictions for the next decade everything will be on MOBILE, including a microwave oven, so best if I accept now that my life is over. Meals On Wheels it is. How, you may ask, can I live without apps for every thing I didn’t need to know, 400 free texts a month and 200 FREE minutes They only want your money and new habits to squander. It’s all a scam to eventually fleece you.
 
Ask any fashion forecaster how it’s done. Funny how pink is in one year and mustard the next, all the shops must be psychic, as they all piggy back each other. It’s a bold designer that says bog off – its mauve. It’s all a scam to make you feel on the outside.
 
Corporate collusion is to blame for they know that when people suffer from the disease of never enough & needing to belong to something or someone ( co-dependency ) they will always want more until they get bored and demand a different hit. But blaming corporate collusion is also a cheap way out, for it’s us that purchase expensive gadgets, upgrade each year and stick names on waiting lists for a must have whatever. 800 quid for a bag anyone? Corporate & fashion giants just wait and watch like a dealer at the school gates or a Bank offering students " discounts ". Nothing is for nothing. You’re hooked.
 
The concept of needs and wants comes into play in the fashion industry or any shop layout that puts sweets where we gather at the till. Once you see the game it’s great fun resisting and part of codependency recovery when we smile at the temptation instead of grabbing the chosen drug, be it a phone, an app or mint imperials, leaving one strangely heroic. Feeling and saying NO is noble. People moan about information overload while loading themselves up with things they don’t need, but looking cool goes cold until the next hot thing comes along. That’s corporate seduction for you.
 
We are all healthily dependent on electricity, computer technology and mobiles for communication, great if you are on the go ( which I’m not ) but it seems to me that when you have a mobile like a concorde flight panel only a tenth of it’s capability gets used. The remainder lays idle while the phone companies push the nine tenths and not the one tenth we use. You pay for that. If the drinks are FREE anywhere, we guzzle like a thirsty duck and so it is with the mobile. FREE TEXTS, FREE MINUTES only encourage use and abuse when communication is not required. Add up the time wasted sending coda texts to people, partners and friends instead of spending time on a train in solitude with self. If you think your life is stressful check your mobile use . . .  another text coming in with trivial chat, no wonder you are stressed. TEXT ADDICTION is part of the " needing to know " aspect of codependency " and it’s likely you don’t need to know. So if you check anything this New Year January check your mobile bill, check your hourly usage and if it gets too much, delete, delete, delete. Create mobile phone bounderies, not moan that everyone uses you as an ambulance 24/7.
 
Oh and another thing . . never check someones else’s mobile. It’s unhealthy to discover what you don’t need to know. If you keep doing this to your partner you are in the wrong relationship and liable to be more practiced at texting than sitting down and telling the truth. You can’t blame that on corporate collusion.
 
 
 
 

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13 Dec 2009

Recovery, recovering, recovered . .

Posted by theswarmite. No Comments

Therapy speak is a different language for many observers – not quite Esperanto but close – it can heal and alienate at the same time : inner child and "shadow side" being the worst offenders to the man on the street. When Gerry Halliwell left the Spice Girls she was seen clutching THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED as she strode from her seat in First Class off a Jumbo. Ironic, but too sick to see it, some might say.
 
Off course you can still be stinking rich and spiritual but I’m guessing it would take detailed observance to get the balance of ego and practiced letting go of control. I have met many such people who manage it well but having money is no easy journey either. When I was bang at it I thought money was the answer, which is why I had 5 Bank Accounts and 15 credit cards, but then I discovered in the bankruptcy court that it’s best if you manufacture your own pile instead of using someone else’s.
 
In my early attendance of Narcotics Anonymous meetings in London in 1982 we had one meeting a day, full of rich kids on smack or families who could afford to send their kids to treatment. It wasn’t until 1984 that The World Health Organisation declared Alcoholism and Drug Addiction a disease, prior to this time insurance companies would not pay out because the behavior was seen as " self inflicted ". So after this date REHAB became accessible, then around 1986 smack heads came in from London’s lower class skag council estates, so the demographic evened up a bit. In my case I arrived via AA where I had 8 relapses in 14 months until my sponsor said " I think it’s time to look at your drug problem and suggested NA. I went the next day and when I heard the NA preamble of introduction to the meeting read out, the words meant I had come home. I stayed and have abstained of all drugs, including alcohol, ever since. Me and mood altering substances have divorced.
 
In order to remain sane I had to learn a new language using words that were not part of my using vernacular like : ‘clean’, ‘serene’ & ‘recovery’. When anyone is in therapy, counseling or rehab it’s easy to become the language and it’s the easiest thing to do to distance others from us. You might as well come out as a born again Christian. Here in the UK, therapy is seen as ‘american’ or OPRAH, so we are off to a no-no before we start. That’s why I have never billed myself as a LIFE COACH, all USA teeth n smiles, recognising that the volume of traffic is greater within the dysfunctional critical mass – not addicts – but those who do too much but see the road of self help as a leper colony. In other words people who know life’s not an easy journey, but do too much of most things like work, worry and chems.
 
It’s easy to work with the converted who know the therapy speak but more stimulating to work with those who are simply buggered one way and another who need a crisis to seek help, then direction with everyday language.
 
Most people haven’t a clue when someone says " I’m in recovery" and often too embarrased to ask. The word " codependent " brings up all manner of glances, from those in the know to eyes rolling. Labels are useful tools in discovering who we are but at some point the need to continously remind everyone in the room who you are, needs to be dropped. It’s at this point that we become human while privately respecting our pitfalls and trigger points to go astray. This blog site is part of that process of normalising therapy into everyday language. You don’t need REHAB to consider what words you use on a daily basis to self harm instead of self help. Who needs a gun when 10 times a day you say you’re not good enough, stupid or guilty. Louse Hay famously said in the eighties that if you replaced "should" with "could" every time you used it your future WOULD change direction. This is the concept of THOUGHT IS CREATIVE which she pioneered, it’s not a new idea but she refashioned it for joe public to understand. Now she is a millionairess several times over, so those affirmations certainly worked.
 
The appropriate use of language is important. When I started LRT Breathwork training in 1988, for 3 years I adhered to another language of communication, so I didn’t use rehab, therapy or recovery phrases. When I went to NA I avoided quoting AA material. When I went to all purpose groups like the AIDS Mastery, I just became me without a luggage of labels. In early recovery from a ‘dis-ease of self ‘ it is essential to comply with the language until the language becomes the action, which as we know speaks louder than words. The last thing a partner needs is to hear the other one say " I will give up X, Y, Z . They have heard it all before. What they need to see is action and action takes time, faith and trust and this is why we walk the spiritual way on THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED.
 
 
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7 Dec 2009

Duty Calls . . .

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It must be the class structure that tells us Brits to " do the right thing". 
From place-mats to funerals, getting it right is imperative in order to be liked. 
A few years back a brand of dishwasher commercial on the telly said it all. 
Imagine the scene.  . . .  Middle class dinner party, men in suits etc ( how sub-urban is that! ), lots of wine flowing, big smiles all round, then a guest holds up a wine glass to the light. Silence befalls the table as a SMEAR is noticed, not quite clean, not spotless. Worse than murdering a small child. . .  Camera then swings to SHAMED CODA HOSTESS ( . . she should have known better ). 
I felt her pain from days gone by – now we have more important things to worry about, like increased debt, climate change and the price of fish. This brings us neatly to fish knives ( . . do people STILL use them? ). 
 
Nancy Mitford will be spinning in her grave at the Non-U possibilities.
 
PERFECTIONISM is the curse of the middle classes and a major player in codependency patterning. It looks like getting it right, but it really means being in fear of getting it wrong. Check on the net for major key traits of codependent behaviour and you get : controlling behaviour, lack of trust, avoidance of feelings, caretaking behaviour, hypervigilance and perfectionism : hence the perfect dinner party. 
 
Some people need to express acceptable perfection in their work, in my case in the late 70′s I drew by hand the print artwork for Silk Cut cigarette packs. Once I had completed the work it got sent to the factory where a grid was placed over the flat pack artwork and if it was out by one sixty fourth of an inch in overall length, they would send it back to be redone. That is the width of a 4H pencil lead. Unfortunately for me and the people close at hand I became a perfection addict in the workplace but I took my work home and expected everyone to comply with my strict demands of right and wrong. Control freak was not the words.
 
Watch an episode of COME DINE WITH ME and notice the perfectionists next to the devil may cares. And how they bitch. Paper serviettes instead of linen napkins, same glasses for the different plonk, the shame of it all, lowering judging marks in the taxi home. We all know someone who would have none of it. Hyacinth Bucket would say DUTY CALLS . . to push the boat out in proper fashion. It’s her duty to correct someone else’s behaviour unknowingly recognizing that un-invited advice, even from someone who means well, is pure codependent " I know what’s best for you" when they hardly know what’s best for themselves. Recovering codas learn to keep their mouth SHUT until asked.
 
That’s a hard one.
 
The build up to Christmas is upon us and a ripe season for the old coda malarkey.  It’s all there to fester, loathing relatives but smiling at them, checking how clean the house is ( wiping cutlery on a napkin ) and getting sniffy over odd chairs at the table and a weak bread sauce, " It’s not the way I would have made it ". A more functional approach is to drop the perfectionism and look for the intent. Eating food on the table gifted by friends and family is a joyous thing as CDWM illustrates. The producers deliberately want to stir the gravy, mixing genders, sexualities, class and incomes but often the opposite happens, as guests understand how traumatic it is to cook for others who also check out your house and sometimes underwear drawers.
 
When we drop the need to be perfect, when the sauce burns and you laugh about it, it touches our humanity, humility and the ability to recover. Just be aware over the next few weeks how perfectionism has cost friends in the past, when we needed to be right instead of wanting to be happy. How now in functional times we can drop the judgments, the duty calls and self-imposed demands.
 
Give yourself a break and find serenity not stress. They will love you for it.
 
 
The Perfect Way To Say Things : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U_and_non-U_English
 
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