Prime Minister Harold Macmillan famously said in the 1950′s " You’ve never had it so good " – and the truth is that under 11 years of Labour we have prospered individually like no other time, it’s easy to forget this, but like Churchill saving us from the Nazi’s, the nation quickly forgot as they binned him, tossed aside like an old worn glove.

 

We have become obsessed with change for changes sake since then, as politics becomes reliant on media personality spin instead of policy. Press the RED Button is all people can muster holding the remote, as the right wing press and TV stations manipulate our fears and intentions.

 

Having lived through Thatcher and numerous recessions, austerity holds no fear. Having survived bankruptcy, addiction, homelessness, AIDS, Agadoo and death’s door I am primed for the worst case scenario even though cutting back is not a natural act for this Londoner. It’s been worse than a hung parliament and I survived it – there was a time when I had to face my demons head on or die. I had 5 years living with no credit in the ’80′s but I managed to travel and be well turned out. Most of this was due to knowing someone in the BBC Wardrobe department, in fellowship, who dressed the stars then dressed me with their cast-offs. How that man saved my dignity, when I had no dosh, I will always be grateful to John dumping black bags in my direction after a meeting. " Who are you gonna be tonight ?

 

" Well, Matthew – STARS IN THEIR EYES – Tonight I’m gonna be . . . " 

 

On another occasion I bumped into Roy, a friend from way, way back carrying two black sacks to OXFAM. Naturally I enquired whether he was having another clear-out and he said yes he had more at home, so I asked whether I could view it before he chucked out. The next night he watched me sprawled on his lounge floor searching through his old jumble with the same dexterity as a child on a Mumbai rubbish dump. " He watched and said " How can you do that? . . . sneering as if I had done a poo in a public place. "Roy", I said "this is treasure". He didn’t get it, but I did, as I walked away with a few chosen designer pieces in a carrier bag.

 

One of the seminars I have created since then is called RECYCLE YOUR LIFE – Everything Is Valuable, and I illustrate how we need to cut back, reduce and recycle, re-brand our thought patterns and relationships. We also need to re-brand our thinking on austerity. This subject has been glossy mag fodder since the World Bank crash, calling second hand – Vintage and phrases like Charity Shop Chic. There is no difference in borrowing a friends jacket for the evening and finding a charity bargain except inflicted shame. Roy felt shame FOR ME as I ruffled through his throw-outs, knowing that he could never do it. We all have to watch this transference of shame from others, this dictate of power, this tool for making people feel inadequate. Families, employers and friends do it, often unconsciously, in their acting out of unhealed codependency.  On a prosperity workshop in the ’89 recession an LRT ( Loving Relationship Training ) participant needed money to get back to Poland so she asked her friends to donate their old clothes to her. She created enough money to return AND come back again. I always think of her shameless creativity as I still wear on occasion the Gautier T shirt I bought from her. Worn once and too small for one of her friends it provided me with more TREASURE . . . but this was before ebay, which is a whole new blog in itself.

 

Today’s exercise is to plan to ask all your friends for old cast offs and hold a selling event with a purpose. Become your own charity, they will give more if you have a goal in mind. Turning your home into a shop is the new restaurant in your own home idea, as austerity becomes chic again. If you can’t stomach this, brave the mullet for a bet and laugh all the way to the bank. Black Lace with Agadoo did.

Most people are so distracted by their thoughts, so identified with the voices in their heads, they can no longer feel the aliveness within them.

As you may have noticed I’ve taken a month off from writing, for no particular reason except I just needed a break. There are times when you don’t need a reason. 

 

A few years back I was asked to speak in Milan about Motivational Coaching. Confronted with 50 faces staring at me in anticipation, I could see the faces change when the translator spoke my last sentence" I haven’t been motivated for 6 weeks ". I might as well fessed up that I had sex with animals, such was the shock. I then explained that it’s unnatural to be motivated all the time, driven to succeed as if your life depended on it. When you work an Inspirational path, ambition is defunct. All in God’s time, as they say. Wotever.

 

Living your vision, living your dream, and focusing on your SUCCESS WHEEL that all the self help tomes suggest you roll out daily is exhausting to watch, let alone participate in. Marianne Williamson in her book A RETURN TO LOVE reminds us that " God’s plan works – yours doesn’t.  It’s good to have a plan but unhealthy when the plan becomes a route to over-achievement and end-game disappointment. An exercise I often refer to is to put a cross over an event or appointment in your diary over the next month that never materialised. This way you can see over the criss cross board, that life has a habit of not matching your intention and that focusing on the moment is more useful than focusing on the future. When we reach for the stars, we miss the ground we are standing on, the reality that holds us together in order to dream and be visionary in proportion. Over achievement is big with addicts of all kinds, from sports champions to gamblers, but so is procrastination and procrastination has a place too – whether it’s can’t be arsed, not bovvered or simply resting. Procrastination or lack of motivation is no big deal unless it goes on for too long, and like beauty, too long is in the eye of the beholder, depending on your personal pain or love level. FEAR is a great motivator and I suggest you avoid it.

 

Taking time out from plans and expectations is seen by some as failure of direction or laziness, when in fact life itself interrupts plans via illness, financial insecurity or other peoples demands until we get it. Everything is a learning laboratory. Remaining on vision with a project involves waiting time and this is all a spiritual route is. The inspiration comes from not opposing it. Learning to wait and not worry is a sign of maturity and masterhood of a spiritual path. Spirituality has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with TRUST. So it’s easy to live in the world of whatever happens once you have mastered this reasoning and that mastery comes from living in the moment, not living in the world of projection. Yes we need to do the footwork and plan with gusto but the moment we delete destination we really do reach for the sky.

 

The best deal you can give yourself is to live in the world of WOTEVER . . . whatever happens  . . . I will be fine. I will learn, grow and learn to trust more. The ego won’t like this route but the heart will love you more. Those involved in 12 Step rhetoric will see this as Steps 3 or 11, a willingness not to be in control . . . and remember . . Motivation comes from a feelings bank not a broadsheet and Intuition is the most portent drug to partake and deal in for peaceful longevity.

 

These wise words of Christina Grof from her book "The Thirst for Wholeness – Attachment, Addiction and the Spiritual Path" emphasise the loss of the authentic self associated with addiction. In the end we believe our own Press Releases, what our head tells us. Fairy tales become truth and judging by the PR lies spun to us from Governments, Corporations and inevitably the Media, truth is as becoming as the whereabouts of Lord Lucan.

 

Richard John Bingham, the future 7th Earl of Lucan was born 18th December 1934. He went to Eton where he discovered the great passion of his life – gambling. In 1953 he joined the Coldstream Guards, where he spent much of his off-duty time playing poker or visiting casinos. After leaving the army he joined a Merchant Bank, but by now, gambling was his first priority. One night, after a substantial win at chem-de-fer he decided to quit his job and become a professional gambler. His gambling nickname was " Lucky".

All addicts think they are lucky in the beginning. They think they will get away with it.

 

Bankruptcy forces one to be authentic very quickly – luckily I was 18 months into recovery when I faced the music of my £38,000 Personal Debt that was instrumental to my fake identities ( about £120,000 in today’s money ). In 1984 I stood in the dock in the Law Courts in The Strand to agree with the judge that I had led an extravagant lifestyle on other peoples money and that I had lied to obtain 5 bank Accounts and 15 credit cards. However due to my surrender wake up call in 1982 I contacted all my creditors, told them the truth about my addictions and began monthly repayments to all. Consequently no creditors turned up for my hearing and Harrods sent a personal letter to the Court declaring that they wished to be removed from the Creditors list as " I had behaved like a Gentlemen ". Because of this and having taken swift personal responsibility around debt the Judge wrote the whole lot off, leaving me with no credit anywhere for 5 years. I didn’t get away with it, for the toxic shame lasted for years.

 

Without throwing dice I had in fact gambled as openly as Lord Lucan at the tables, robbing Peter to pay Paul every month when it came to flying by my pants in order to keep up appearances. I soon learnt that the GUCCI Belt I had bought at Bal Harbor in Maimi, months before I stopped using, only held my trousers up, nothing more, even though the bag and the wrapping it came in offered great promise to my fake identity of success. I regularly read Andy Warhol’s INTERVIEW Magazine along with the fashion glossies convinced I was somebody who mattered, when what really happened was that I was living in a flat later deemed by the Environmental Health Department " unfit for human habitation ". Denial was not the word.

 

NO, we’re not talking about the X Factor Geordie, getting lippy 3 seconds after the tape at the Brits, or the fact that she needs to be surrounded by several thousand dancers to avoid her less than honed floor shapes being noticed – it’s worse than that.

 

 

Soon we will be sniffin’ cheap Cheryl cologne from Superdrug in honour of her pain and instead of feeling the pain of others in a coda way, women everywhere will smell it and identify with the betrayal, coming together as one, bruised and battered by modern illicit mobile texting.

In fact, that would be a great name for a cologne, why hasn’t Calvin Klein worked that one through? Yes, she’s wearing BETRAYAL.

 

Anyone who thinks a man will be faithful is bonkers in the first place, let alone a football hubby bringing in from footy alone – £86,000 a WEEK and a fiercely flirty reputation to boot. But our Cheryl, bless ‘er, our sensitive Newcastle lass, appears to have a very working class coda approach to marriage and it’s romantic fairytale expectations of a lifetime partnership.

 

Fight for this love, even if the obvious is staring you in the face. It’s called denial pet. Bad boys huh? Even Alexandra Burke knows they’re not good for her.

 

Talking of Tiger Woods, how about about focusing on another ploy connected to doing the right thing, deleting the scent of deception. In my experience of working with compulsive sex addicts, the majority are in a committed relationship, be they straight, gay or bi. The quest for relationship acts as " the front " that all is well, plus the belief that having a relationship will stop the compulsive acting out, but the cause remains to fester. The usual excuse of being " over-sexed with a high sex drive" is an indirect way of blaming the partner and not taking personal responsibility for feelings and emotions. If only the partner could keep up with their demands they wouldn’t need to wander. 

The transference of guilt is silent. The codependency is rife.

Cheryl’s vision of holding a man down for life is not uncommon nor the notion that all we need is each other in coupling, as friends and other interests dwindle away to feed this desire for oneness. A healthy relationship is not about ownership, entrapment and control and I would guess that Ashley Cole and Tiger Woods have been controlled by their parents, coaches, talents and aspirations since early childhood. Hardly surprising that those with an obsessive personality desire escape routes from satisfying the demands of others, while hopefully other sportspeople coached into stardom may develop less harmful outlets of retreat.

 

Woods appearance yesterday echoed his background as he mumbled through a chronically controlled, amends ridden, script written conference speech to the nation. You can hear the commercial advisors wincing "Don’t mention sex addiction, it’s bad enough using the B word – Buddhism. Think about the damage ".

 

On a metaphysical level we attract what we need to heal. Poor Cheryl . . . now poor poor Elin, the missing wronged wife, will haunt us for months and the debates go on as to whether she stands by her man or leaves like Heather Mills in full calculated fury, clutching and stripping herself of respect. Heather never got what all the fuss was about, still believing her own press release, so who do you feel compassion for : Cheryl, Ashley, Tiger or Elin? 

 

This is today’s meditation exercise and how similar experiences have informed your life and corrected the error of your wrong thinking. Check progress and give yourself a press conference. We all need to examine the standards of perfectionism we thrust upon ourselves and others.

Loving someone enough to let them go is the most adult of actions.

We are not taught to do this, in fact we are harboured into the opposite, fighting to hold someone’s love, taking them hostage, manipulating the outcome with promises, last resorts and yes, even a box of chocs can temper the mood of love versus loss.

Sometimes love appears to be a battle of survival.

 

 

These words, translated by Rod McKuen on the eve of the 1960′s, from a Jacques Brel lyric, vibrates the pain of a love hangover and final acceptance that a relationship is over. Learning to deal with abandonment, loss and alone-ness is vital to recover from codependency, love addiction and a permanent quest to return to the memory of the womb. Think duvet diving, think comfort eating, think silence. This is our first experience of leaving and arriving somewhere new and unfamiliar. Think of the free floating self, bathing in amniotic fluid for 9 months cushioned and supported. The adrenalin of the birth canal will never be repeated in this lifetime but it remains in your memory bank as a link between life, death and survival. Will you make it?

Getting trashed is a popular sport after breakup, and this is not the real problem, the real problem is how long it goes on for and whether it coasts into self pity and personal punishment. This is the real LOVE HANGOVER to avoid. Pia Melody in her book FACING LOVE ADDICTION states " A more realistic way to regard broken relationships might be to consider the relationship as a learning laboratory, whether the relationship eventually ends or it becomes a lifetime commitment. The pain associated with believing that the end of a relationship is a failure can thereby be greatly reduced. "

Thinking we will never survive a breakup is part of the grieving process and must be honoured as such. All that British stiff upper lip – just plough yourself into work stuff – is futile compared to the lasting legacy of emotional pain. Best if you handle it now in an educated way instead of burying feelings and cutting photos in half as completion. COMPLETION of all our relationships is vital.

 

For those in recovery, it’s a Step 4 on all your relationships, getting clear on clearing out resentments, mis-justice and the unfairness of it all. Without this task of clearing in hand it’s easy to sit on the pity pot and remain a victim instead of realising the value and learning experience employed. There are no short cuts to feeling the love hangover, the grieving process is unpredictable but vital in order to enjoy future relationships. So enjoy your time in bed, under the covers but remember to put the alarm on. That AA phrase comes to mind : Feel it, Claim it, Dump it. Avoid hoarding.

 

Yes, there really is a site called http://www.iwannabefamous.com/ so I trawled through some of the comments to detect the hearts and minds of those who are unhappy with being sidelined by paps. The site mission statement stated : "Being famous is not so bad after all. Sometimes fame and brings fortune (sic), but other times it brings headaches. Once you are famous you will need an agent, a photographer, a bodyguard, an accountant, a therapist, a lawyer, and perhaps a good plastic surgeon". So there you have it, and you don’t even have to read HEAT magazine.

 

The site gives the opportunity for an un-famous ordinary person to spout why they have a need to reach CELEBRITY status. This will amuse or create rage at the society we have created. Here it is unedited.

 

Maybe I’m picky but having read this diatribe of ambition they may need to add grammar and spelling coach to the list of lawyers and therapists required to survive the day. No wonder Blair famously blared out " Education, Education, Education ".

 

In reality many people and those who seek fame at any cost, lack self-confidence, self-esteem and a sense of security. This quest for fame is based on a fear of being ignored, passed over and overlooked. Think Jordan/Katie Price/Andre/Reid. They want that people should give them importance and show them respect and devotion when in a lot of cases they can’t give it freely to themselves, so they demand it from us. This is a coda problem of seeking approval outside of themselves, seeing their audience as authorititive parental energy. The root cause for this might be, that in childhood, they might have been deprived of love and care that a child needs, so they " played up " in order to be loved. In my own case I was a best behaviour codependent, seeking approval through my drawings. Every time someone visited the house my drawings had to be looked at, creating a need as an adult for approval over what I produced rather than who I was. Workaholicism then became my purpose.

 

FAME is just reward for hard work and determination but this drive for fame for fame’s sake is as hollow as a chocolate egg. I don’t need fame to know who I am, or how I feel. I don’t seek the approval of others in order to feel good, worthy or sane all I need is an affirmation I created for myself in 1988 : I am my own fabulous Celebrity.

Yes it’s true, even if it’s only me that thinks so. No paps please. 

 

 

I was 6 years clean before I embarked upon a course of Rebirthing Breathwork and in my quest for solution to on-going health and emotional issues I stumbled across my first book on the subject by Jim Leonard and Phil Laut called :

 

Published in 1983 I found myself 5 years later reading the chapter on DISCIPLINE :

 

Rebirthing is also called conscious connected breathing because the cycle of breath is continuous and disciplined. A deep inhale right through your body up to the chest and out on the exhale in a soft, non-pushing, gentle way for around an hour. Rather like a waterwheel this disciplined circle of energy builds into a rhythm of being in touch with your emotional body and spirit that dwells within. It’s purpose is to cleanse, wake-up and heal emotions trapped in the body, sometimes since birth, often without inspection. It literally brings you back to life. After 11 years I healed my body & soul of an incurable virus using this regular breathwork as meditation practice. Check out my Breathwork page on this blog for an unusual experience of Rebirthing, but perhaps not how you would read about it in new age books.

 

 

 

We are coming to the end of January and some people are ready with their feet in the starting blocks . . . secretly thinking THANK GOD, THAT’S OVER. 

No, not a 6 week month with only 4 weeks pay, or thinking the snow and biting winds have all gone till next year . . but at last I can DRINK AGAIN. Self imposed punishment is not the sole right of alkies ( . . can’t they just control themselves – like ME – is the inner clarion call of the heavy drinker. I can stop any time I like .  . .  like the whole of January if I want ). No problem here.

One of the myths around alcoholic acting out is that you have to drink every day to pronounce at AA " I am an Alcoholic ". Controlled drinking is the fuel of the middle classes because they drink AT HOME, unlike younger public drunks in no-go-area-shopping centres after dark. No one sees the debris, the demands and the stains under the carpet. It’s all hush, hush. If I can get to work with a hangover & function – I’ve conquered it. Some people think recovering alcoholics are smug but there is no one smugger than the person able to abstain for a month, as if this is some kind of ‘ test " of strength against previous accusations that drink is the problem.

 

Giving up booze for a month is a piece of piss compared to pissing your pants in blackout 2 months later. January is a traditional month of review, detox and new activities to savour. For home drinkers it’s just a rest stop, as valuable as a 7 day spa break for an obese framed adult, eventually serving little purpose other than convincing the ego that you’re back in control. It amazes me when friends or clients GIVE UP booze for a period? Why? What’s the point when you can drink safely anyway?

 

Cutting back I can understand but cutting OUT seems to herald unseen drama in the home toilet bowl, relationship ultimatums, secret health issues that are never discussed and a believe system that thinks stopping means solving. When we grew up many of us knew that what happens in the house, stays in the house. As adults we carry this message into business where discussing domestic affairs in the office, or anything " emotional " is regarded as disdainful, inappropriate and weak. So we take this stuff back home along with a couple of good bottles or a mature malt to prove that we savour booze rather than guzzle it. If someone considers themselves overweight they go on a diet. Cutting out booze for a month is not a diet, it’s an assault course designed to deceive.

 

A more functional route is to discover why you need to detox and abstain for a short period and the underlying reasons why you drink at home. Once these areas are processed a period of " purposeful using of alcohol and drugs " is suggested so the individual can observe trigger points, emotional kidnap and impulsive, compulsive behavior, especially when no one is around to grass you up. It’s easy to tut-tut at late night police telly, female cat fights and lairy lads on the lash while bottles from Tesco’s lay at your feet. Home drinking is the new opium den, and no one need know about it.

 

Just as I finish this blog a story pops up in the UK Daily Vile website, THE middle class, right wing arse wipe that purports to support the moral high ground.

 

I suggest you have a drink before you read it.

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1246748/35-children-admitted-hospital-DAY-alcohol-related-illness.html 

 

 

In order to live in process the road is always up. The past 10 days have been choc-a-bloc with clients, the builder in and out, addicts back after a relapse, folk back from families and pre-booked social events. It has all been workable and satisfying because of constant inspection of thoughts, feelings and schedules. In order to receive continued recovery we need to become honest with ourselves, grassing ourselves up to malfunction, dysfunction, distractions and wrongdoing.

 

 

It’s difficult – but so was building the railroad, however this task is an essential component in communication with the soul in delivering serenity and solace. 

HONESTY is not as easy as it seems, living in a survivalist society in London but it remains an individual matter how we measure it. Somehow we are not surprised at MP’s sniffing at the freebie trough but appalled when a friend acts out a betrayal. This may appear shocking but most people are shocked by simple honesty. Recovery from any compulsive pattern is based on total honesty and when bringing a friend to an open Anonymous meeting we ask : " what did you think? ". 

The response is often the same " shocked by the honesty I have just heard ".

 

In order to be honest we may need to reverse patterns, it’s easy to spot someone else’s dishonesty while giving scarce thought to our own. But we learn that honesty, like charity, begins at home – with ourselves. We need to keep focus on our own levels of honesty and let others take care of themselves and if truth be told we barely create enough time in our own lives to even review the task, so exhausted we are pointing fingers elsewhere.  Telling the truth – as you see it – is wise but don’t expect others to see an issue how you do, because perception is in the eye of the beholder and denial is it’s companion. For most codependents, hurt is the fuel they feed on. Children express hurt while adults fester. When this happens the road has to be dug up.

 

Living in process rather than focussing on goal based destination is the most honourable route to walk, for it promotes the practice of waiting, the art of observance and trusting in unseen energies. We trust the unseen energies that lie beneath the roads we walk on with little thought, the gas mains, sewers and electricity cables that support our lifestyles but deem to question the natural laws of universal support. We forget that the very breath that keeps us alive needs to be maintained with yogic breathwork, meditation and prayers of spiritual connection.

 

Checking out our own roadmap – how we got here and where we are heading – makes sound sense too in order to maintain busy periods in our lives or when our plans go tit’s up and we think higher powers are against us. My experience has been a longtime addiction to disappointment. Funny that coz I thought it was drugs n booze but 10 years after that last use-up, I was still setting myself up for battle. It was only when I let go of the need to win that a chronic virus left me along with the fight. Every 6 months for 6 years I went for a Hospital liver function test to see if all my efforts had won the day to drop the incurable virus. Each time the disappointment and unfairness of it all ( after ALL the work I had put in ) raged my soul until I gave up the desire to know the answer. I imagined applause from higher realms as I waived the white flag. It’s all a process. Stuck in traffic is a process and as my sponsor once pointed out, a glorious opportunity to practice Step 11, a reconnection with a power greater than ourselves.

 

PREPARE TO STOP needs more consideration.