15 Feb 2010
Love Hangover
Loving someone enough to let them go is the most adult of actions.
We are not taught to do this, in fact we are harboured into the opposite, fighting to hold someone’s love, taking them hostage, manipulating the outcome with promises, last resorts and yes, even a box of chocs can temper the mood of love versus loss.
Sometimes love appears to be a battle of survival.
" If you go away, as I know you must, Just an empty room, full of empty space, Like the empty look I see on your face, Oh, I’d have been the shadow of your shadow, If it might have kept me by your side, If you go away, if you go away, if you go away, Please don’t go away. "
These words, translated by Rod McKuen on the eve of the 1960′s, from a Jacques Brel lyric, vibrates the pain of a love hangover and final acceptance that a relationship is over. Learning to deal with abandonment, loss and alone-ness is vital to recover from codependency, love addiction and a permanent quest to return to the memory of the womb. Think duvet diving, think comfort eating, think silence. This is our first experience of leaving and arriving somewhere new and unfamiliar. Think of the free floating self, bathing in amniotic fluid for 9 months cushioned and supported. The adrenalin of the birth canal will never be repeated in this lifetime but it remains in your memory bank as a link between life, death and survival. Will you make it?
Do you have the strength to survive?
Getting trashed is a popular sport after breakup, and this is not the real problem, the real problem is how long it goes on for and whether it coasts into self pity and personal punishment. This is the real LOVE HANGOVER to avoid. Pia Melody in her book FACING LOVE ADDICTION states " A more realistic way to regard broken relationships might be to consider the relationship as a learning laboratory, whether the relationship eventually ends or it becomes a lifetime commitment. The pain associated with believing that the end of a relationship is a failure can thereby be greatly reduced. "
Thinking we will never survive a breakup is part of the grieving process and must be honoured as such. All that British stiff upper lip – just plough yourself into work stuff – is futile compared to the lasting legacy of emotional pain. Best if you handle it now in an educated way instead of burying feelings and cutting photos in half as completion. COMPLETION of all our relationships is vital.
Sondra Ray says " Eventually we must clean up all the relationships of the past that are not completely resolved. How can you know if the relationship is cleaned up? Consider the past and present relationships, friends, lovers in your life. If you have any feelings for them other than unconditional love when you think of their name, then those relationships are not cleaned up. Work with an Loving Relationship Training ( LRT ) Relationship Coach & Rebirther to unravel and redeem.
For those in recovery, it’s a Step 4 on all your relationships, getting clear on clearing out resentments, mis-justice and the unfairness of it all. Without this task of clearing in hand it’s easy to sit on the pity pot and remain a victim instead of realising the value and learning experience employed. There are no short cuts to feeling the love hangover, the grieving process is unpredictable but vital in order to enjoy future relationships. So enjoy your time in bed, under the covers but remember to put the alarm on. That AA phrase comes to mind : Feel it, Claim it, Dump it. Avoid hoarding.
Hi,
Pia Mel(l)ody’s statement about “… consider the relationship as a learning laboratory … The pain associated with believing that the end of a relationship is a failure can thereby be greatly reduced” is right, in my mind. However, it also contains a very important fact related to love addiction: the feeling that a failed relationsship is in fact deemed a failure by the addicted person. I have a web-page summarizing information on sex addiction http://www.facingloveaddiction.com and one of the points I found during my research is that often early childhood sexual traumata or a failed relationship or unhealthy infatuation during early adolescence are the roots for sex addiction. In my opinion, the addict is not to blame for these roots.
Just my two cents…
facing love addiction
love or addiction
Stefan
February 26th, 2010 at 8:44 pmpermalink
. . . well its a good 2 cents. Thanks.
I took this para out of context Stefan, but yes I think Pia was also writing about the addicted person rather than an ordinary Joe whose relationship has failed. I don’t think any addict is to blame for roots or even their addiction, but it’s easy to see why they could think the opposite. Thanks for the link – very useful.
theswarmite
February 26th, 2010 at 10:36 pmpermalink
I gave my son a date to move out (we’re both addicts and come to think of it we’re both children of addicts), and I stuck to it even when when my guts were urging me to wobble on the day. And my son( bless him ) entreated me not to change the day, ‘ Please mum I cant take it if you change the date – I’ll be alright as long as I know when this is going to end’. Unspoken memories of his depressions and suicide attempts.
At our local HPU he got a one bed flat with seperate living room kitchen and bathroom. ‘ It’s a really tranquill street mum just off Viccy park’. He proudly told me, and I loved him and praised him.
My baby’s powerless and he has no choice but to compulsively spend all his money on drinking. So I met him on Thursday and bought him a load of food. And two days later he’s txting me asking me to order and pay for take out on-line and I smile and think cheeky monkey as I txt him back saying no. I have to let him be, afford him the same luxury I give myself – time to gentley hurt and cry so the hope of healing can be let in.
Cathy Trainin
July 4th, 2010 at 3:59 pmpermalink
. . . thanks Cathy for sharing this moving experience. It’s tough to put this stuff into practice but essential nonetheless, as you are obviously aware.
theswarmite
July 4th, 2010 at 4:28 pmpermalink