2 Apr 2009
Look Underground . . .
Have you noticed that self help books assume you are heterosexual, or white middle class and looking for a perfect relationship? Shame on you for still thinking SINGLE is OK! . . it’s all about finding someone innit.
Then you will be happy.
All those books on THE RULES, THE SECRET and Creating Perfect Adult Relationships never seem to ever have case studies or direction other than str8 white. It’s how coffee used to be.
No gays, no bi-curious, no swingers, no trannies and certainly no fetish. The attraction of London as a living vibrant destination is that sexuality can be observed, checked out and explored without a blink of an eyelid. The daughters of catholic europe reside here safe in the knowledge that they wont bump into the priest, cousin Mary or mothers judging eye. Most of the gay bars in London are staffed by east european twinks escaping the torment of acting out sexually in their birth country where it is still a criminal offence or a shame based notion. They have not come here to learn english, they soon realised that the only way to escape suppressed commie regime thinking was to learn english BEFORE they arrived. No point in waiting till they got here, for the net has shown what is available and the need to communicate in english. Why live in Poland or Serbia and experience rejection when thanks to easyjet they can find freedom to be themselves and who they want to be in London’s cauldron of possibilities?
When I came out in 1967 my " lifestyle " was called " The twilight world of homosexual shame " by the tabloids and always connected to scandal and secret double lives. We have moved on. The European Union now promotes equality but LGBTQ ( Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender & Queer ) people do not experience the equality promised in law because religion still dominates most of the european countries. Tired of being the only one in the village, it’s the same for str8s interested in non- conformist lifestyles, be it goth, seriously single or curiously metrosexual. London is not the only anonymous place to explore sexuality but no city in Europe has as much volume, scope, dress code clubs, freedom to act out fetish, dress up or find a sex partner in 10 minutes on the net. London is so vast that people of any sexuality can tap in their post code on a dating site and be sitting on someones sofa at the end of their road before the kettle boils. Which brings me to the purpose of this blog " look around, look UNDERGROUND . . .
In case you think that’s a bad taste Austrian joke, read on. Our lives are run by underground subconscious thinking and because of manners, religion and other power based doctrines sexuality is encased underground too. As self help authors write about the requirement for relationship they rarely take into account underground lifestyles and yet underground -with the power of the net- is becoming more mainstream and fetish wear more acceptable. Clubs like Torture Garden in London provide activity, entertainment and interaction with like minded beings and yet if participants spoke about these preferences on most personal development trainings I doubt whether the trainers would know how to handle it. " IT " being someone contesting the " correct " form a relationship should take. Gay male lifestyles and relationship structures are totally different from Lesbian couplings, why bunk us in the same bed? Many str8 couples enjoy swinging parties, dogging and explore non-conformist sex with the ferocity of gay men on chems. Drugs are everywhere yet rarely do I hear anyone discuss this openly in mainstream workshops and seminars. Everyone is on best behavior. Rarely does this aspect of lifestyle get even a paragraph in best selling self help publishing titles. They can’t all be read by desperately depressed housewives, some people live on Wisteria Lane.
A Course in Miracles ( ACIM ) talk about the " error of our wrong thinking " and it would be a good idea for some self help authors to admit that the christian monogamous way is not the only way to bond. For many outsiders " looking for a lifetime partner " is akin to a life sentance and people should not be shamed by self help material in thinking that this route is incorrect. A " rabbit" in a woman’s handbag is now as common as a stick of lippy ( they tell me ) as chains like HARMONY abound on the High Street. Women go to bed early while men spend past midnight on the web. For the good of all concerned these habits need to be encouraged not decried until the game is played out for healing. The net is not addictive – individuals are – so work through your habits with help. One of your habits may be avoiding open discussion with your partner.
It’s a brave soul that mentions porn on a training – a hundred eyes will follow you round the room. Last year I led a training weekend on Addictions in a North European Country and a man admitted to the gathering that his great addiction was masturbation. I was amazed by the guys honesty and told him so because in a room of 50 people he was one of only 6 men. Honesty is not always welcome, but he plugged most people in by mentioning the unmentionable. No one hugged him after his share.
Todays meditation to focus on is to dig underground and reveal to another human being or to your diary or the higher gods the exact nature of your sexual desires. Check out the web, your partners desires or favorite fetish. It’s good to talk.
There are a great many people who don’t fall into the supposed ‘norm’ for these self-help books. I suspect there are as many who don’t as those who do.
As always, thought provoking, valuable info here.
Lafang
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:18 pmpermalink
I bet they didn’t shake his hand either…
Droid
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:01 pmpermalink
That “cauldron of possibilities” u so eloquently describe enables anybody to find like-minded friends & partners whatever their sexual peccadilloes. Definitely a good thing.
Labelling sexual identity into those boxes of str8, bi, gay, lesbian & transgendered just doesn’t cover the spectrum of sexuality that exists & we’re all on a journey of discovery.
As a gay man with no thoughts of bedding a woman for at least 25 years my dormant bisexuality suddenly resurfaced when I developed a big crush on Flavia Cacace from Strictly Come Dancing – go figure. hehe
We are fortunate to be living in an age where the opportunity exists for exploring & enjoying our sexual desires & fantasies – go for it!
Great blog as usual Madge….keep up the good work!
~ J xx
John
April 3rd, 2009 at 3:49 pmpermalink
I think we need to start a tribe LaFang for people who don’t fit in. I am glad that my input is valuable though I rather selfishly am using this blog for my own disciplines.
theswarmite
April 7th, 2009 at 8:35 pmpermalink
I just knew Droids that if I gave you the lead you would supply the tag line – just like the old creative daze. LOL
theswarmite
April 7th, 2009 at 8:37 pmpermalink
As we discussed on Sunday @ MENTORS boxes have a place but they are only the beginning however I still think they are a good place to start John for those willing to go further. Thankx for spreading the word about my blog. Madge x
theswarmite
April 7th, 2009 at 8:40 pmpermalink
Yesterday, at the Gay Pride in Amsterdam, there was a guy wearing a t-shirt with the text: I can’t even think straight.
A human being has many aspects, not just one. A box is a limitation, even when you try to fit yourself in.
Amrita
August 2nd, 2009 at 5:23 ampermalink
I can’t think straight is an activist slogan from the early 1990;s to indicate that gay men in particular are not just about sexuality and physical sex which is how the majority see them. A human being has many aspects including gay men having a different life experience as straight men. The weekend Tel Aviv killings illustrate this. Do gays go round killing straight men because they are straight? No.
theswarmite
August 3rd, 2009 at 9:05 ampermalink