16 Dec 2011

My New Best Friend

Posted by theswarmite

It’s been a while since my last post. Almost 6 months. When people go missing in rooms of recovery, we suspect the worse – using or shagging a newcomer. However in my case, I was simply too busy to be bothered on the one hand and couldn’t be arsed on the other.

My new best friend was indifference. 

Flatlining recovery or hitting shrugged shoulders is a blessing in itself, for ‘living your vision, living your dream’ all the time is exhausting and nor was it ever meant to be the norm. For those addicted to excitement, romance or plain old fashioned drama, recovery can appear to be a let down if living on the edge threw up motivation in the past. I once led a seminar in Milan on Motivational Coaching and told a staring crowd that I hadn’t been motivated in 6 weeks, but I managed to get here. The point of that memory is to remind me that we are not machines who churn out relentless.

I’m no Barbara Cartland. Barbara bashed out so many novels that she out-sold only 2 writers ahead of her – Shakespeare and Agatha Christie. There was no room for indifference in Bab’s world, pumping out the next trashy romantic dictum was the point of getting up in the morning. Good luck to her bulldog spirit.

In truth I have been travelling overseas every month this year and blogging got left on the back burner. Simple as that. Now sitting in December Canary Island sun I’m trying to get back on track before my next seminar jaunt to Morocco in January, breeds more lack of blog management. Living in a target led society supports competitive thinking, fear based projections and anxiety, especially during these troubled times of financial indifference. WE ARE ALL DOOMED, the media sprays forth, no point in even budgeting, the world will collapse anyway. It’s difficult to know who to believe.

In the present I believe that we are powerless over world currencies but have all power over our purses. So indifference toward spending can be a friend that stabs you in a backlash, especially during Christmas and New Year, when clarity can fly out the window. I am heartened that many now have a spending speed bump over gifting. Many families say 20 quid is the limit, so regular bills can be paid as well without fear of debt. Common sense prevails.

My new best friend, apathy, is not as depressing as it sounds, in fact it’s quite liberating. My urban younger readers familiar with ‘wotever’ and ‘meh’ will understand that the world can be overwhelming at times so “meh” seems spot on. I think apathy is underrated. Look where competitive materialism has got us : the opposite to excitement, passion, motivation and concern. There must be another way of living and surviving. To throw things up in the air and say “wotever’ is in itself a spiritual task. “I have no idea what’s going on, please sort it” is a Step 3 request in my book.

In order to make sense of living we need to embrace the fear of death in order to breed aliveness and the same goes for embracing indifference as a new best friend. This too shall pass, as quickly as spring follows winter. Periods of apathy, indifference and depression are natural phases of human development not shame based emotions. The sense of shame is often a parental projection, many feel apathetic when they really need a rest. I suggest you take it like I did and greet the next series of dawns with delight. Enjoy your duvet time, it will pass. Energy, inspiration and desire will arrive like the first cuckoo – when it’s ready.

I say this with plenty of experience, now in my 30th year of recovery from active addiction, so if I can survive apathy and greet it as a friend – so can you.