29 Nov 2009
I don’t do Christmas
Welcome to the most codependent time of year. There I’ve said it. Welcome to people pleasing, duty, family secrets and feeling the pain of others. I just can’t help it – I don’t do Christmas. People don’t believe me when I say I haven’t done it for 25 years. No cards, no presents, no party. Sounds dull to my hedonistic friends I know but the real coda stuff comes up when they ask how I spend it then? ALONE I say. ALONE? – but you can’t!
Yes I can and I do. They feel MY pain, the isolation, the separation and the pointlessness. Needless to say that the transference of their own fears are beautifully packaged and passed on to me with a look that says poor sick puppy. No point in me feeling pained when all around are doing it for me.
I have spent Christmas in the desert in Saudi Arabia and in the Highlands of Scotland and I still feel the same. Nought. In one of my early blogs on family dysfunction I explained my unusual parentage the result being that I have no family alive at all. Mum & Dad are dead and my brother might as well be, as the drunken peodo is now on the sex offenders register. I did all the forgiveness completion work 15 years ago, but we have nothing in common except blood and in my view it’s not enough. We never really liked each other, had nothing in common, were as different as chalk and cheese. Mum always said blood runs thicker than water, but she died well before he showed true mettle. Yup, a sex offender in the family. Family secrets huh.Think of all those family members and latched on spouses, partners, girl & boyfriends who have to suffer the 48 hour smile. Watching TV they can’t stand and I can’t stand forced jollity. Let’s play a game!! Well . . actually NO, I can’t stand games and I’m not a team player. On top of this I don’t drink, drug or smoke so it’s ten times worse. I prefer child free zones and get to bed when I want to and not when Auntie Lily is off the bed settee. That’s why I don’t do Christmas. Some time ago I lived with someone that did the full Glen Miller Story/ Rosemary Clooney Christmas Tree, floor to ceiling, in fact every year we had to chop the top off so the fairy sat on a stump. Well he did collect Xmas decorations and I collect obsessive friends. That tree never went up before Christmas Eve either. Standards.
He was fascinated that I loathed the whole event ( another puppy look . . .) Did you have bad Christmas’es as a kid?, (spoken in the same way that Diana said ‘there are three of us in this marriage’ ). I go on to explain that Mum started buying little things ( 1 main present plus a pillowcase of other things . . . in September to make sure we had a happy time, then on Christmas Eve Dad would come home with a fresh Turkey on his shoulder from the butchers. Dad always cooked Christmas Dinner to give Mum a rest. So no, not exactly an EastEnders bun fight. The core of my dissatisfaction stems from my drinking alcohol till I popped, getting gear to last the whole 10 day break ( nightmare ) and buying grand gifts with money that was not my own. In the end I paid dearly – in the bankruptcy court. No the 25th of December is just another day to stay clean and sober, avoiding codependent act ups. That’s the only Christmas gift I want.
More will be written over the next month on this vulnerable time for recovering folk, and for those too who love the whole tinsel shebang. Someone said to me this week – Are you anti drugs? No I said, not at all, it’s the vessel they end up in that’s the problem, and the same with Christmas. I am not a christian but I adhere to the christ consciousness, I like being with people who drink merrily but not when they are drunk. We can all enjoy the gifts of giving and receiving all year round, why wait till Christmas?
But some still don’t get it. Every year my Glen Miller Story friend visits me bleached with pain that my flat is Xmas free, even cards people send me go in a pile hidden away.
I know his tricks now. When he leaves I have to scour the flat.
Last year I found a small metal Santa floating inside the ballcock toilet system, the fridge held a tucked away cake decoration Red Robin for 2 weeks before I noticed it and a shiny glass ball was found hanging from the inside of a wardrobe. The pain was just too much for him, me without Xmas.
Some people are even coda on Yo Ho Ho.
You may wonder why no one leaves comments – this is because the blog goes up on my page on Facebook and on THE SWARMITE REHAB BLOG FAN PAGE – and this where people are inclined to leave comments.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-SwarmiteREHAB-Blog/72318098645?ref=ts
theswarmite
December 1st, 2009 at 3:21 pmpermalink
This is great! I too despise christmas (humbug) and all the chintzy falsy smiley poultryness of it. Like you I did xmas for years until i couldn’t bear spending another second with family that made me feel physically sick. I also went down the bankruptcy route. Controversial but the best thing I ever did. I wonder if there are in fact a lot of people that secretly hate the holiday but get sucked in by the ads rammed down your throat from mid october. Thats asda price. Why pay now if you can pay in five years? Brilliant. I’m off now to set fire to that inflatable santa in next doors garden….
Keither
December 1st, 2009 at 5:59 pmpermalink
@ Keither: “poultryness” – brilliant! I term I have never heard before!
Childhood Christmas was fine for me, it was just a matter of which parent I would spend it with, swap around on Boxing day or whatever. Was always more real at my mums and an event at the old man’s. Dad, grandad, uncle all passed out after eating too much turkey and listening to Her Madge’s speech at 3 then the inevitable James Bond movie. It seemed to be like that for at least 30 years, like it never was ever any different, a fixed menu of food, tv and snoring.
Now I just enjoy the time off and feel ok about doing jack shit for a while.
Best Christams was the one you spent here, Swarmite. Fry up for brekky and a curry for lunch with a few friends about. Can’t be beaten!
droid
December 2nd, 2009 at 7:48 pmpermalink
Oh, I’m so relieved there are others in the world who just can’t stand what Christmas has become. Dear God, I can’t stand the t.v. commercials, the ads, pushing you to buy more, buy better than last year, etc. I effing’ hate it! The tension and anxiety that grips me until it’s all over and done with and then the dreaded depression that ultimately sucks me down into the abyss and stays with me all year.
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.
Jeanne
December 25th, 2009 at 4:53 ampermalink
Thanks Jeanne – You are not alone, no fear. It will all be over soon.
theswarmite
December 25th, 2009 at 10:45 ampermalink
Me too, me too – and I’m in the US, where Christmas completely takes over our lives somewhere in mid to late November.
I have no children, am not particularly close to my siblings, and am not religious. Christmas has no real point, given those basic truths. I’ll spend the day quietly at home, thank you very much!
Julia
December 12th, 2011 at 10:59 pmpermalink
I love tinsel and crap for about a week and then I have to clean it all up… David does this mean that you were not impressed with the silver decoration on my head last night??? I thought that it was CHARMING!!
As for Xmas, my family are all away and we will catch only because they have holidays at this time… happy to do that any time of the year… too much nonsense….its not that I don’t think a celebration at the end of the year is a great thing….its just that all the pressure of getting families together for one day a year seems a bit futile. Lets have fun and caring all year round.!!
Bronwyn
December 13th, 2011 at 9:23 ampermalink